The Only Acceptable ‘Welcome Home’ Letter LeBron Should Ever Read If He Returns To Cleveland

Dear LeBron,

God we’ve missed you. The last four years has been our own personal Vietnam without you around. It was bad. We relied on a coach named ‘Chud’ (Rob Chudzinski) to lead our football team and we saw how that went. If memory serves me correct (and it might not because I went to Bowling Green State University), the word “Chud” is some sort of failed sex act where you try and get aroused but nothing actually happens.

“Dude you poppin’ a chub?

“Naw man got a ‘chud’….not feeling it tonight. “

Happens to the best of us, right?

Your former team, The Cleveland Cavaliers, have had three number one picks in the last 4 years but still can’t manage to win half their games. They do throw some mean bobble head nights though! Those are the only games I go to, mostly because I can sell them on EBay quickly to pay for my blossoming alcohol habit (like I said, it’s been Hell without ya). It’s not just the fans though, our beloved Cavaliers mascot Moondog has felt your absence as well. To my knowledge he’s the only dog to voluntary walk into the Animal Protective League (APL) to look for a new home. He said Quicken Loans Arena just isn’t the same without you.

I know you had a fun time down in Miami, considering it was probably just like that Will Smith song.

The nightlife, beaches, weather, STD’s, etc. You never went to college so this was the next best thing. Instead of eating ramen noodles and drinking Natty Light, you ate steaks and drank Dom Perignon. You rushed the fraternity of Riley, Bosh & Wade and it looks like you had a blast. But that was then and this is now. We’ve been gearing up for your return for years.

Want a coach who has never even seen a concession stand in an NBA arena?! Bam, I give you David Blatt.

How about a large-capacity venue that somehow, for the love of God, feels more sterile than the Cleveland Clinic? The Convention Center is here!

What’s that? You want a Caucasian bro to party with in your best effort to produce Lethal Weapon 5? I give you Johnny Manziel! Hey Riggs!

(NOTE: LeBron, you do kind of look like a younger, more muscular Danny Glover….was going to say Carl Weathers….but there is only one Apollo Creed).

Need us to sweeten the pot just a little more? The Republican National Convention is coming in 2016. You can party all night with Schwarzenegger, Chris Christie, Rush Limbaugh… day you’ll have as many rings as they have mistresses. Ya gotta have have goals my friend.

Cleveland is also is hosting the 2016 Transplant Games of America. Seriously, I would give you both my kidneys if you gave us a championship.

Had enough, or are you thirsty for more? This summer we are also getting The Gay Games!

THIS IS HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU. We would literally coerce thousands of gay athletes to turn straight in an effort to keep you happy.

In case you haven’t caught on yet, we’ve missed you dearly. Freaking Nick Swisher and his .185 batting average isn’t cutting it. Swisher’s batting average is almost on par with Josh Gordon’s blood-alcohol level.

You’re a hometown kid and we couldn’t be happier to have you back. A long time ago you said you wanted to light Cleveland up like Vegas. We are ready for another shot at the jackpot.


P.S. Oh by the way, Michael Symon wants to be your in-home chef…but that was supposed to be a surprise, so just go with it.