This Colorado Rockies Singing Beer Vendor Makes Me Want To Hug Him And Punch Him Simultaneously


Love the enthusiasm here, bro. Give you props for putting a twist on an otherwise tedious job. But fuck man, that’s literally the worst sounding sound I’ve ever heard. It sounds like you’re dying from within. I was praying a foul bout came in hot and put you out for a few minutes. Just for a few minutes though because I do like you as a human being, I just kind of wish you would shut the fuck up forever. Like I would legit rather listen to my parents have sex through a megaphone while Clay Aiken played softly in the background, than listen to your plane crash of a voice. I understand you may have had dreams to sing in the Opera, but I had dreams, too, and well…

Moral of the story: sometimes you just have to let sleeping dogs lie. Just crack open one of those Coors Lights you’re selling, make excuses for yourself about what could have been, and generally hate on anyone else who’s following their dream. Life is easier that way. Don’t be a hero, man. You’re making us all look bad.

[H/T For The Win]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.