David Ortiz Gives Little Kids A Hefty Dose Of Reality In Funny New Commercial

David Ortiz teaching kids that nothing is given, everything is earned. You want your PRECIOUS little Starburst, kiddo? Well you’re going to need to travel into orbit to retrieve it. And I hope it’s a yellow one. Call me an asshole, but I’m just giving these youngsters a hefty dose of reality. Because after a certain point, birthday parties don’t provide goodie bags, pinatas, pin-the-tail-on-the-donkeys, MILFs, bobbing for apples, or even a goddamn clown. When you get to my age, the only thing birthday parties provide is a debilitating hangover and an unwelcome insight as to how little you’ve accomplished thus far.

Take it from me. Life after goodie bags is just an endless series of swings and misses.