Rob Gronkowski will be hosting a cruise on “Gronk’s Party Ship” from February 19-22.
After taking a look at the event site, I’m honestly not even sure where to begin with this digital sea of joy. But let’s go ahead and start with highlights from the bios for each of the four GRONK brothers that will be attending, and PAPA GRONK.
Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski
A.K.A. “The Superstar!” Rob is rated the #1 party rocker in all of pro sports. He is the superstar, he is the main attraction, the headliner, and there has never been a player in history in any sport that exemplifies excellence in the field of play in addition to the field of party rock. Men want to be him and chix want to be with him. His humility is astounding, which combined with his body builder physique, leaves women utterly susceptible to his charm! The weekend just cannot possibly be as wild if the superstar isn’t there.
GRONK should be a professional wrestler and the fact he hasn’t showed up on RAW is honestly one of the biggest upsets of the last 25 years. But he does have a friend in WWE’s NXT, so we might be dangerously close. Never lose hope, especially in the GRONK.
Gordie “Gord” Gronkowski
A.K.A. “The Captain.” As the oldest Gronk brother, this former professional baseball star and current professional big brother calls the shots, he makes the moves, and ensures that everyone’s always as positive as possible. He is an optimist and writes the blueprints for our party rocking tips by picking the cities, and getting us set up at whatever club or party we want to attend. He is the glue that holds the team together and when he is missing, things just aren’t the same. Gordie is a team player, he keeps everyone’s self confidence as high as the sky, even while all the girls are scratching and clawing at his silky smooth body! And for some reason they always do because he constantly looks like he got mauled by a cougar: both the animal and type of woman!
Eldest brother Gordie keeps everyone’s confidence as high as the sky BECAUSE girls are scratching and clawing at his silky smooth body like actual cougars. Come on, GRONK. That’s just common sense.
A.K.A. “The Brains.” Dan looks like he is straight out of the movie 300 except he doesn’t need the CGI! He is tall, he is chiseled, and all the chix unanimously agree that he is very handsome. Dan is also the responsible one, and is the only one on the team that is no longer a bachelor. Even though we all are not thrilled to lose our brother to the institution of marriage, Dan’s bride-to-be is a cool chick, rages hard, and brings all her girlfriends around, so it’s OK by us! Constantly looking out for his teammates and preventing us from engaging in problematic scenarios, Dan uses his brains and great looks to lure chix into the party rock lair and then pass them along to us.
If you ever need a summary of GRONK’s social life, just know that he and his bros are NOT at all thrilled to lose their brother to the “institution of marriage.” And that’s probably because Dan is the king of luring “chix” into the party lair. Being engaged might hinder Dan’s otherwise natural instincts for finding and luring GRONK-able chix.
A.K.A. “The One Seed.” Chris is a genius and could have gone to Harvard to play football but told them no thanks, for the sole reason that they don’t party. Chris is a wild man. Whether he’s throwing spine-crushing and punishing blocks or dominating every party he’s ever been to, Chris has an affinity for nudity and he gets so wild that we lose him a lot. He frequently disappears off the grid. But we never worry. Chris is a survivor and we usually find him facedown somewhere, or in a DJ booth after he abducted it. Chris is reminiscent of the legendary Vince Lombardi: he will leave it all on the field partying until he collapses, even if he collapses in the middle of the street, a dance floor, or on the floor of the library, because it’s all happened before.
Chris Gronkowski didn’t go to Harvard because they don’t party enough. Chris also has an affinity for nudity and is apparently the partying version of the great Vince Lombardi. Holy crap. I’m pretty sure this is the greatest football family of ALL TIME.
Gordy “Papa Gronk” Gronkowski
A.K.A. “The Innovator.” Big G has taken party rocking to epic proportions over the past decades. A former college and pro football star himself, he has redefined party rocking year after year and he has established the precedent for us to live by. Big G will go down in history as one of the most legendary fathers in the history of the world. Cultivating four professional athletes with one more to come, fathers all over the world yearn to be like Big G. Perhaps that is why countless people have offered Big G big money to purchase his sperm so they can have the children of champions themselves. It’s not every day you can see a father hang with his sons on the dance floor, and it’s even more rare to have a father whose sons constantly get rejected by chix because they would rather hit on their dad instead. Women of all ages fall head over heels for the jackedness and dieselness of Big G, and his dance moves!
Countless people want Papa Gronk’s sperm and women can’t get enough of his “jackedness and dieselness.” Before I pass out from laughter, I repeat: People have offered big money for Papa Gronk’s sperm. Again, the greatest football family EVER.
Now please enjoy this cruise hype video from GRONK.
The lineup will be headlined by Flo Rida, but really — it’s headlined by Team GRONK.
But this, THIS right here might be the very best part. Under ship lingo, which includes actual terms used for a ship like “bow” and “stern,” is this helpful little nugget:
I can’t wait for the pictures.