Joel Embiid Is Clearly Still In The Best Shape Of His Life After Stuffing The Hell Out Of A Child

Woof. Get this kid an ice pack because he just got burned. You know what? Give him a couple of cigarettes too. This kid needs to unwind and reminisce about the the stress-free good ole days of his youth that existed before Joel Embiid stuck his entire basketball career in a bodybag. Listen, I’m not going to sit here and say that Joel Embiid is somebody people shouldn’t mess with. The guy’s about as useful as a 13 foot ladder made entirely out of beef jerky and scotch tape. He’s useless even by 76ers standards. Embiid’s the kind of dude who could be convicted of murder and people just wouldn’t prosecute him because it means paying attention to him for more than five minutes. Honestly, if this was any athlete I’d be on their side. You have to teach kids early that, no matter what their dreams are, they more than likely will not achieve them. Sure, it’s important to have dreams, but it’s also important to have gas station attendants. Personally, we don’t need anymore basketball players. But the gas station down the street from my house definitely needs a few more employees who can add single digit numbers.

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