LeBron James Is The Best Athlete To Ever Live, Haters Be Damned

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Anyone who doesn’t think the best athlete in human history is living right now, stop reading this and go try to read this on a computer built when George W. was in office. A Gateway desktop, let’s say.

I’d expect a COVID vaccine and a DM back from Emily Ratajkowski before that page loads. But please let me know if those Limewire downloads from my sophomore year have fully downloaded, could really use a grainy rendition of Natasha Bedingfield’s Unwritten to distract me from Kate Henderson rejecting my prom proposal.

Humans, like word processing machines built like Mike Alstott, evolve. We shed excess. We refine. We become more.

Thesis Fact One:  Usain Bolt would run circles around Tom Burke, who won in Athens in 1896 with a 100-meter dash of 12 seconds, putting him a full 20 yards behind the Bolt Olympic record of 9.68. For perspective, that is the length of Blake Bortles’ longest pass attempt.

Thesis Fact Two: Marty Conlon enjoyed a decade-long career in the NBA shooting like a dad trying to do a TikTok dance.

Thesis Fact Three: Conlon wouldn’t start on Sierra Canyon Prep this season. Greenwich, Connecticut Junior-On-JV Looking Ass. Much love, Marty. Stay pointy.

If you aren’t convinced that the pool for Best Athlete Ever is currently a living human, good riddance. Let’s grab a beer sometime and you can explain to me why seatbelts are bad.

The looming question for the rest of us remains: who, of the 7 billion humans and Mark Zuckerberg, holds the unparalleled title Greatest Athlete on the Planet—Jordan? Ronaldo? Bolt? Deion? The Dude Perfect boys?

The infuriating hypothetical has been brought to the forefront recently by Kendrick Perkins, who probably ranked 549,903,923 most athletic in his prime.

Perkins’ assessment jives with the words of Steve Kerr, who in 2019 said this about LeBron James:

“Probably the best athlete to ever walk this planet when you think about his strength, power, speed, durability.”

Hold on, Bill Russell has entered the chat.

Obligatory Bill Russell respect:

  • Won 11 NBA titles in 13 years.
  • 5-time league MVP.
  • One of just two players to collect 50 rebounds in a game. The other is some scrub named Wilt Chamberlain.
  • That video of his jumping over that part-time plumber is so impressive, it does not look real.

Thanks for stopping by, Bill. You’re a legend. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

The only answer is LeBron James. The 6-foot-9-inch, 250-pound alien (Giannis’ words, not mine) who was offered an NFL contract by the notoriously-stingy Jerry Jones during the 2011 NBA lockout.

  1. LeBron’s high school junior receiving stats: 57 receptions, 1,160 yards, 16 touchdowns (Calvin Johnson’s during the same period: 40 receptions, 736 yards, 8 touchdowns.)
  2. 2012 Eastern Conference Game 6.
  3. Took a dreadful 2010 Cavaliers team to the Eastern Conference Final while playing through the knowledge of Delonte West making love to his mother.
  4. The average player takes 13 strides to cover the length of a 94-foot NBA court; LeBron takes nine.
  5. Won Joel Anthony two NBA titles.

7. Not addicted to cigars like Jordan, and has a stronger immune system (works cited: flu diarrhea game)
8. He’s played in nearly 94 percent of all possible career games and never missed a playoff game. [via]
9. Not photoshopped.

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10. Because I enjoy presenting evidence to arguments that can’t be proven with the sole intention of fighting with a stranger online to release some of the anger that is stemming from other areas of my life.

Case closed. Let’s fight, snowflakes.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.