It is my unwavering belief that NBA players’ careers do not end, they are simply reincarnated through the players of future generations. The physical and mental makeup of players past is relinquished to their predecessors in a phenomena that is as scientific as genetics—like eye color, or hair loss, or Scottie’s hog being bigger than Michael’s.
Your favorite player today may just be the manifestation of your least favorite years ago.
Stay woke, sheeple.
Isiah Thomas = Chris Paul
- Both supreme talents undermined by an overwhelming Punchability factor.
- Both have two first names, meaning they cannot be trusted.
- Both left off the 1992 Dream Team.
Dan Majerle = Alex Caruso
- Both social activists—fighting the ‘White Men Can’t Jump‘ prejudice.
- Both look like they’d be better lacrosse players.
- Both First-Team All Nickname (“Thunder Dan” and “Bald Mamba”)
Charles Barkley = Draymond Green
Bill Laimbeer = Draymond Green
- Both are “Bad Boys”–Bill physically assaulted people on the basketball court and Draymond got bagged posting a Snapchat of his johnson.
- Both have multiple championships being the third best player on a team but acting like they’re the first.
- Both last names contain enjoyable substances I tend to abuse.
Patrick Ewing = Joel Embiid
- Both have the physical tools to be the most dominant player on the floor but are limited by their sensitive souls.
- Both have 0 NBA titles.
- Both sweat enough to drown an Orkid whale.
Gheorghe Muresan = Tacko Fall
- Both are native to counties 98% of Americans can’t point to on a map.
- Both cannot fit in a Prius.
- Both look like a stiff wind could blow them over.
Horace Grant = D’Angelo Russell
- Both alleged snitches—Horace spilled the beans on ‘The Jordan Rules’ and De’Angelo outed Swaggy P as a cheater to Iggy Izalea.
- I think that’s where the similarities end. Snitches.
- Oh wait, both have last names that could be their first, and first names that could be their last.
Luc Longley = Dwight Howard
- Both are superior physical specimen
- Have one Slam Dunk Contest championship between the two of them.
- Sorry I can’t think of a third because I’m mesmerized by the photo above of Longley throwing down a dunk while being blinded by the skin of Rik Smits. Rik, you look exactly how your name sounds.
Hakeem The Dream = The Greek Freak
- Both No. 34
- They both originate from the same Nigerian tribe.Olajuwon told The Undefeated that he and Antetokounmpo are Yoruba.
“I know from his last name that we are from the same tribe, the Yoruba tribe. His last name, which in Yoruba is spelled Adetokunbo, means ‘the crown has returned from overseas,’ ” Olajuwon said.
- Both have nicknames that could also imply they’re a good lay.
Michael Jordan = 3 Parts LeBron James, 2 Parts Kawhi Leonard, 1 Part Russell Westbrook
- Jordan — LeBron = The two greatest basketball players to ever live.
- Jordan — Kawhi = Both move like they’re engaging in a choreographed dance best experienced when viewed in slow motion to Phil Collins’ 1981 smash hit ‘In The Air Tonight.‘
- Jordan — Westbrook = Both would eat your children if it meant getting a competitive edge.
There ya have it, folks. If you disagree with any of these, let me know and I’ll make personal attacks against you online using the limited information provided in your social media accounts.