The NFL is back full tilt and just based on Thursday Night Football alone with the Chiefs and Texans, you can’t help but come away impressed given the unique circumstances. With no preseason games, drastically different offseason training camps and practices, and so many additional protocols to adjust to, it still felt like great football. Even with a limited number of fans allowed entry at CamaroHead Stadium, it came across loud enough to be the real thing, whereas watching a Yankees game feels like a very formal version of batting practice. Well done, NFL. Two words you almost never hear about anything these days.
Now, for the bad news.
“What would Kobe do”? That’s exactly what I’m going to do. pic.twitter.com/AkKhYakUqH
— Von Miller (@VonMiller) September 10, 2020
We made it as far as the NFL Fashion Preview with Von Miller and that’s it. Not even Week 1. Unfair! Seriously though, I’ll do my best to find a way to incorporate Teflon Von when the opportunity presents itself. But if he’s already locked in with that Mamba Mentality — god I fucking love Von’s tweet — expect to see him sooner than later.
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) September 13, 2020
So simple yet so profound. FOOTBALL. Or as some pigskin lifers might say, FOOTBAW’!
Anyway, without further ado — whether it’s fire, fierce, funny or fail — let’s get this circus started with the unhinged enthusiasm of Willem Dafoe.
There will be too much Jimmy GQ bashing and not nearly enough Kyler Murray praise because that’s just how it works, but this dude is a problem and will continue to be a problem in the loaded gun that is the NFC West. He’s a suitcase-sized version of Russell Wilson who causes the same kind of incessant disruption and carries himself with the swag of someone who’s well aware that’s the case. We’re all screwed.
Someone needs to make an emergency call to anyone BUT Russell Wilson’s personal tailor — assuming he even has one — because that jacket looks like shit.
Hell yeah, Matty Ice! Go off with that Merrill Lynch fire fit! Another day, another win. Game. Set. Matt.
While everyone gets off their predictable Dick Tracy and banana suit-related jokes, I’d like to point out that Cam Newton’s shoes say “BAM” — like a Batman “BAM” one might think — but check out the Miami Heat color scheme on those bad boys. Yes, just one week into the 2020 season, Cam Newton has already pulled a stunning heel turn on the great city of Boston, the Celtics specifically, and sworn his allegiance to Bam Adebayo and the Miami Heat, who face the C’s on Tuesday. Although there are some other theories out there that carry a similar amount of weight. Makes ya’ think.
— Don Povia (@HHReynolds) September 13, 2020
I’ve said it once and I’ll shout it from rooftop to rooftop until the neighbors tell me to STFU, just like they did to Prince Akeem: Cam is a national treasure and I’m so happy he’s back.
'We have to keep building from this'
— Patriots.com (@PATRIOTSdotCOM) September 13, 2020
Stepping out of an Aston Martin that probably less than 20 people in the entire world own does not give CMC the right to tightly cuff his jeans in such an offensive manner. This will never be cool and that’s a fact, I don’t care who says otherwise.
Patrick Mahomes can always be counted on for some nostalgia, like last year when he wore his dad’s amazing Mets jersey from the 90s. On Thursday he hopped in the throwback machine again and dialed it back a little further with a 1945 Kansas City Monarchs jersey. Nice little promo here for MLB — who could use any help it can get in alerting people its season exists — since the Royals will wear that same uni on September 22 when they play the Cardinals.
— negroleaguesmuseum (@nlbmprez) September 12, 2020
The Vikings are obviously doing their postgame press conferences remotely and Kirk Cousins did an excellent job in conveying his team was asleep for three quarters and woke up far too late to make wiping the crap out of their eyes even matter. On the positive side, his deep devotion to the wow factor that IS the Gap brand remains firmly intact.
In no way did I expect to be discussing Seattle safety Quandre Diggs this week but how on earth am I not supposed to? Look at this fucking guy. Straight from his own version of the Playboy Mansion to the stadium. Poof, a star is born. This custom getup seems so precise that the pockets appear to be deliberately placed so as to serve as a fancy celebration of his nipples. Superb fashion-forward thinking.
JuJu rolled up to MetLife Stadium in a Gucci jacket, Gucci boots, a watch from the future, what might be some kind of designer JORTS, as well as a beautiful handbag that your girlfriend is already googling. But here’s a much better look at that leopard print jacket. Staying loyal to the Steelers black and gold in his own unique way. That’s JuJu in a nutshell.
— Steelers Depot 🏆👑 (@Steelersdepot) September 15, 2020
When offensive linemen show out like this I have no choice but to put them near the top. And it’s official: Taylor Lewan is the real-life version of Jim Hopper from Stranger Things and I couldn’t be more delighted to finally realize this certified fact.
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) September 13, 2020
I’m still waiting for the week where Lamar Jackson does something that isn’t awesome. Those chunky gold chains pop off that bright green shirt like the crowd pops when The Rock makes a surprise appearance on RAW.
Sombrero SZN is back in full form for Aaron Jones with the unmistakeable addition of Macho Man-style shades. A fine choice to complete the drip.
How do you do, fellow kids pic.twitter.com/EhH7k9zerJ
— CJ Fogler #BlackLivesMatter (@cjzero) September 13, 2020
The before and after shots of Tom Brady following a loss always kill me. It’s the most distinct difference of any player in the league. After the game, he met Drew Brees at midfield and talked to the guy, who he rarely faces and is absolutely on his level, for 0.5 seconds and then walked off to the locker room to get his mugshot taken by the media.
— Tampa Bay Buccaneers (@Buccaneers) September 14, 2020
Also, TB12 has been writing letters to his parents in the voice of a kid who is attending summer camp? What the hell? This dude is so odd.
Tom Brady has penned yet another letter home to his parents about all the fun he’s had at summer camp. The Comic Sans is a nice touch… pic.twitter.com/ob5ydd7rx4
— JennaLaineESPN (@JennaLaineESPN) September 8, 2020
Lonely Josh Rosen is a MOOD pic.twitter.com/3C2U1cCFQ8
— Adam Rosenberg (@HeyRosenberg) September 13, 2020
Many people are saying that Tom Brady’s charismatic, highly engaged backup, Josh Rosen, is actually Ellen DeGeneres. All I have to say about that is you people are very mean and very unkind. But wow, ever since seeing the Ellen DeGeneres comments, that’s all I see in this photo now. Rosen truly cannot catch a break.
The Browns have a lot of things to fix after losing 38-6, and that includes their Zoom setup. This looks a lot more like a postgame interrogation — which it is, actually — than it does a postgame presser. ZOOM. OUT. And stop using airport lighting for these things unless the intention was to make Baker Mayfield’s forehead look like an emergency whiteboard. That said, his personal beard trimmer deserves a hefty raise.
Ben looking quite dapper this evening. pic.twitter.com/3hBlprLupb
— Alan Saunders (@ASaunders_PGH) September 15, 2020
In the seven years since I began writing this “column,” I’m 99.9% positive I’ve never uttered the words, “wow, Big Ben looks pretty sharp.” Well, that streak ends right now because the Steelers QB is looking great after trimming down considerably compared to years past. It’s like he had plans to take a helicopter from MetLife Stadium directly to the Hamptons in order to attend an engagement party following the win. It really is a whole new vibe.
D. J. Chark
D. J. Chark and Gardner Minshew are the only reasons the Jaguars even register on anyone’s radar. Kicking off the season sporting a Kobe jersey was an excellent choice by the stud wide receiver.
The guy means business 😤 pic.twitter.com/JezuaxUdLD
— Pittsburgh Steelers (@steelers) September 14, 2020
In last week’s season preview, our PGA Tour Golfer of the Week was Jared Goff. This week that highly sought after award lies in the lap of T.J. Watt. Great stuff! Just needs a Bank of America hat or something to really drive the look home.
— Pittsburgh Steelers (@steelers) September 14, 2020
Scratch that news actually, it turned out to be a tie between T.J. Watt and his brother Derek. Simply electric!
"I just flat out missed guys, and that's on me. I gotta be better."
– Sam Darnold pic.twitter.com/YwzUmfVyjF
— Jets Videos (@snyjets) September 13, 2020
The underwater, kidnapped-quality feel of this video speaks perfectly to Sam Darnold and the Jets’ exceptionally bad performance on the field Sunday. And you thought the NFL offseason felt like a long time? Only 16 weeks to go, Jets fans! That’s an easy, breezy 112 days you’ll never forget.
"I played good at times and bad at times"
Daniel Jones says he needs to be more consistent pic.twitter.com/1YjBHzPDM2
— Giants Videos (@SNYGiants) September 15, 2020
There’s honestly nowhere to go but up from here for Daniel Jones, who is perpetually a freshman in college adjusting to new life in the dorms.
Killer suit with a mask that matches the tie that matches the shoes because that’s what you do when you see it all the way through. Big things ahead for Deshaun.
Bunny slippers and a giant teddy bear in tow. Please meet my new favorite player, Mecole Hardman.
It’s been confirmed that Sombrero SZN is in full effect but apparently it’s also Bathrobe SZN? Combine the two and you get what we have here in Bears receiver Javon Wims, who is always pulling some shit and I encourage him to keep doing so.
DeAndre Hopkins went with a black on black Colin Kaepernick jersey, a pretty badass upgrade over last year’s limited edition “Icon” jersey from Nike. For those curious, I have absolutely no idea where this version D-Hop is wearing can be found. It’s not on Kaep’s site and it’s not on Nike’s site either, and that seems rather stupid because these would leap off the shelves like Shane McMahon whenever he spots a giant cage. The aforementioned “Icon” jersey just looked way too much like a Raiders jersey.
In an era where dudes are probably even getting their toe hair waxed, Travis Kelce went against the grain and put his chest hair — that appears to be making a run up his neck — on full display for the world to witness. Not a big fan of this whole splatter trend though, because more often than not it looks like bird shit until you get up close. On the plus side, at least it’s yellow instead of white, which would have really upped the bird shit-splat feel by a factor of many.
Don’t know a whole lot about cornerback Damon Arnette other than he played for THE Ohio State University, a class institution that holds the highest of standards. What I do know, however, is he is quickly on his way to becoming this year’s Hollywood Brown. The dead-serious confidence is already firing right through the ceiling and he’s managed to make the color scheme of a Bill Cosby sweater actually look good. Not an easy feat.
George Kittle literally with the drip here. Loving that Nike Air logo but most certainly NOT loving Jimmy G nearly killing George. Get your head out of your ass — and SOON — Jimmy. Flying way too close to the sun these days, my friend.
The bad pass by Jimmy Garoppolo that got George Kittle limping to the sidelines.pic.twitter.com/zp9CvUS4Qc
— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman) September 13, 2020
Nick Bosa (with Kittle presiding)
— San Francisco 49ers (@49ers) September 13, 2020
It’s initially a little hard to tell from the freeze-frame alone, but Nick Bosa and Kittle arrived together wearing the Grateful Dead Nike SB Dunk Yellow Bear Lows. They’re only reselling for $1,200 so sprint on over to StockX and get your very own today! This honestly has to be the very first time I’ve seen Bosa wearing anything that doesn’t scream “these were the closest things to my bed, it’s football bro.”
— Green Bay Packers (@packers) September 13, 2020
Very cool to see California native Aaron Rodgers with the “Butte Strong” hoodie to show support for all the endless damage that’s been done. Remember, believe it or not, No. 12’s college career began at Butte County Community College, so this one’s hitting extra close to home for him. COMPLETELY UNRELATED: His discovery of hats this season has added some much-needed stylishness to his previously “all Hanes everything” attire.
Preston Smith just dunked on the whole damn league. Flawless execution, save for the mask that really should’ve matched the jacket.
If I were an NFL player this is exactly how I would dress, regardless of the weather. Jonnu Smith doesn’t have to say a damn word without making his presence felt. He’s calling all the shots and no one gets to say otherwise.
I refuse to go one week without including Stefon Diggs so I’m forcing my hand here with this shot from the summer to let you know that throwback t-shirts — whether it’s a Titanic tribute or paying homage to Aaliyah — appear to be the theme. At least for now until it’s a thousand degrees below zero in Buffalo.
— #DUUUVAL (@Jaguars) September 11, 2020
I didn’t even know there was a Road House 2 until some time last year and found it ridiculously offensive that such a thing existed, and still do. But since Ronda Rousey’s Road House remake that was first reported in 2015 keeps getting pushed back — thank god — I am 100% ALL IN for a Road House 3 so long as Gardner Minshew signs his name on the dotted line because he IS Road House.
God dammit. If the Bills continue to win, we all lose because that rat-stache won’t be going anywhere.
— Erica Kaiser (@EricaKaiser_) September 13, 2020
Hints of purple in the suit to go along with the flower and pocket square as a staunch reminder of the place that got him here. Well done, Broey Burrow.
'I'm excited to see what our team transforms into'
— Patriots.com (@PATRIOTSdotCOM) September 11, 2020
Does this hat really say “JE11”? Very unique and cool and original. Can this idiot just go ahead and announce that once football is over his dream is to sleep in a matching race car bed next to TB12?
2 feet on the ground but headed for the clouds pic.twitter.com/loNfd5YvWn
— JJ Watt (@JJWatt) September 9, 2020
What a powerful caption by JJ: “2 feet on the ground but destined for the clouds.” Who wants to be in the clouds though? Someone “being in the clouds” usually doesn’t translate to a compliment or a desirable place to be. Better off going with the stars or maybe “2 feet on the ground but destined to fly.” But probably best to just scratch this whole Deep Thoughts By JJ routine and just say “Rockin’ with these new Iversons! Clean AF!! FLAMES!!! lol lol lol.” Keep striving for greatness, JJ. #Here2Help
— Las Vegas Raiders (@Raiders) September 13, 2020
The classic cuffing of the sleeves to accentuate the gunshow. Whatever. Anything to help you forget you won back your starting job because Marcus Mariota got injured.
It’s so much easier these days to find a glamour shot of these guys than it is to find one of them at the god damn postgame podium. The Honey Badger going the Vogue cover route is a glaring, billboard-sized sign reminder that there’s no turning back.
Agreed, Jack! Agreeeeeeed!
Jarvis Landry has purple hair because he went to LSU seven years ago. That’s all you need to know to get a good idea of the Browns’ sizzling synergy.
Gotta love when the young guys get so excited about a win they sprint to
the podium their Zoom call with the media in full pads and uniform.
Dak Prescott & Zeke Elliott
Dak Prescott looks so smooth here I didn’t initially notice that Zeke was right there too, and he’s usually an impossible presence to miss. The Mississippi State Bulldogs mask was a nice touch.
Jamaal Williams doing whatever he can to stay in Green Bay’s running backs conversation and what we have here 100% accomplished that very thing. WARNING: Scroll right in the gallery at your own risk.
Sometimes we have to take baby steps and that’s exactly what’s happening here with Julio Jones. This has a great hanging-onto-summer feel to it but more importantly, Julio is finally…
His fucking phone! Sheesh. When Julio Jones isn’t making awe-inspiring catches on the field, the mild-mannered wide receiver seems to be constantly shootin’ his shot off of it. Your classic silent assassin.
Derrick Henry made by far the most creative statement of the week, wearing a suit with names of African Americans killed by police. And it looks pretty fucking stylish too. Here’s a closer look.
Right now is where a lot of people begin shouting in ALL CAPS THAT THEY’LL NEVER WATCH THE NFL AGAIN. And everyone totally believes them!
That is a four-year high for a FOX NFL Week 1 game.
The national (final) number comes out Tuesday including viewership info prior to the out-of-home viewership.
One conclusion: The NFL isn't dead.
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) September 14, 2020
For those wondering, Tyrod Taylor does eventually arrive at the stadium so long as these weekly professional photoshoots are done to the utmost satisfaction. So far, so good.
Jimmy Garoppolo looking around for a starting receiver… pic.twitter.com/2anRDbVi3Q
— PFF SF 49ers (@PFF_49ers) September 13, 2020
No pregame Jimmy or postgame Jimmy to be found so he’s been fittingly replaced by an astoundingly accurate GIF that tells Jimmy’s Sunday sob story.
You can't see the bottom of Robby Anderson's shirt but it says ‘'Stop POLICE Brutality.'' The Panthers wide receiver also was one of a handful of players that kneeled during the anthem. https://t.co/gZpbIcU7r6 pic.twitter.com/Olr4DEVAfi
— David Newton (@DNewtonespn) September 13, 2020
Another week, another empty gaze from Panthers WR Robby Anderson who is absolutely knee-deep in the recovery stages of once being a New York Jet. On the cooler side of the pillow, however, he’s lookin’ like an unstoppable force out there, complete with an enormous helmet that definitely fits properly.
Kenny Stills picked up right where he left off last season, which just so happened to be a sparkling runway under the bright lights of Milan; in his mind at least. This year he’s just thrown in a little bit more of a direct approach when it comes to his speaking his mind when he’s not speaking.
After missing two seasons due to complications from surgery on a torn ACL, running back Jerick McKinnon was back in the 49ers lineup and scored his first touchdown since 2017. Punctuating his return was showing up to work in an “Ozzfest 2003” tie-dye t-shirt and a gold chain that says “Highly Doubted,” just as we all drew it up.
Look good, feel good, play good. The David Johnson Revenge Tour has only just begun.
Ravens cornerback Marlon Humphrey is underrated when it comes to this stuff. He always brings it week in and week out, this time with a whole lot of symmetry.
Anthony Walker Jr.
C L E A R P O R T ☑️
Week 1️⃣ pic.twitter.com/LuNKAXqbdw
— Anthony Walker Jr. (@__AWalkJr) September 12, 2020
This is easily the best Beard/Mask combo these eyes have ever seen and also the worst pants these eyes have ever seen. Tragic and foolish!
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) September 13, 2020
If you didn’t know Mark Andrews was a tight end and had to guess what position he played, it would be either tight end or offensive lineman. But since his beard isn’t down to his balls, I’m guessing most would lean tight end. Nonetheless, a barebones, straight to the point, no bullshit approach is usually the starter kit given to the dudes that play these positions.
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) September 13, 2020
Holy shit Lions, thank you for this content that’s just bubbling over with heat. Yes, QB1 is in the house but is there any way we can get better photos — or really ANY photos — instead of this incredibly creative usage of emojis? It’s a daunting request, I know, but I trust you’ll find your way.
The David Puddy “Gotta Support The Team” hockey route is the best, Jerry. The best. But it really is. NHL “sweaters” — the proper term for such attire — are on a whole different level of quality and craftsmanship than any other sport.
Outside of the “Orange Creamsicle” jerseys that Tampa Bay wore years ago, O.J. Howard’s hat is the first piece of Bucs merchandise I’ve ever liked. I checked it out and it’s a partnership with ’47 Brand and Carhartt that can be had for $35 right here.
Kyle Van Noy
🔥🔥🔥 you know what time it is…. pic.twitter.com/7reYgr8GcY
— Kyle Van Noy (@KVN_03) September 13, 2020
Former Patriots fumble-forcing-machine Kyle Van Noy went ahead and awarded himself three fire emojis. Love the confidence.
I swear GRONK has returned to team up with Tom Brady for the sole purpose of upping his already exorbitant endorsement fee. Sad!
So Packers strong safety Adrian Amos had an upscale photoshoot in the woods on Saturday for shits and giggles? Things must be far more boring in Green Bay than I originally thought.
Kenny Moore II
If Colts defensive back Kenny Moore II did not attend Indiana University I have some questions about some choices that were made here. FACT CHECK: Kenny Moore attended Valdosta State. But I no longer have any questions because the look on DeForest Bucker’s face in the background says everything.
Who the hell is Bradley McDougald, you ask? Because that’s exactly what I’m asking. But this private jet Jordan flex from the Jets safety was worthy of a well-earned spot and should’ve been in the NFL 2020 Fashion Preview.
Did You Know? Tyreek Hill uses his phone as both a lunch tray and a footrest.
Steve Belichick has a majestic mullet. pic.twitter.com/YNMgzNzA0Y
— Will Manso (@WillManso) September 13, 2020
If we come to learn that Steve Belichick doesn’t drive a 1984 Camaro I’m gonna be PISSED.
— Tim Ryan (@TheSportsHernia) September 13, 2020
Strange But True: Jon Gruden has all 10 spots on ESPN’s Top 10 “Gives Zero Fucks” Big Board.
No one loves Ric Flair more than I do but this is the least convincing promo he’s ever done considering the Nature Boy has done similar “I love this team” videos and pep talks for just about every team in the NFC. Also, shoutout to Ric’s wife for all those enthusiastic hand signals and genuine excitement, as well as keeping an eye on her husband’s prized sparkling robe in the background.
Patrick Mahomes is one of maybe 10 people who actually looks cool in these Oakley shades. Anyone else looks like a reaching, overly ambitious fool who can’t find their ski helmet.
Cleat heat for Week 1️⃣ pic.twitter.com/UPWElPUjX1
— Washington Football Team (@WashingtonNFL) September 13, 2020
The Washington Football Team is out there winning football games and the cleat heat warz. Never expected to write a sentence anything even remotely close to that for Week 1 but here we are.
What a way to lose, Lions pic.twitter.com/L1GZDvxfpa
— Vikings Blogger (@firstandskol) September 13, 2020
What the freakin’ fuck Lions! At this point, the Jets and Lions should just swap rosters to see if the same shit happens and to confirm, once and for all, what we already damn well know — that both franchises are eternally cursed.