The 5 Things We Learned From NFL Week One

The NFL Season kicked off this past weekend with Steelers WR Antonio Brown kicking Browns punter Spencer Lanning square in the face.  I am a die-hard browns fan, but have to admit it was pretty awesome.  Even Shawn Michaels would be envious of Brown’s sweet chin music. Aside from that, what else did we learn during Week 1?

Answer: A LOT.

1) The NFL And Ravens Fucked Up

So yesterday TMZ released a video of what happened inside the elevator with Ray Rice and fiancé back in February. The footage was about disturbing as Trent Dilfer’s commentary. The Ravens immediately terminated Rice’s contract and the NFL suspended him indefinitely.  What does this mean? Nothing right now. The NFL and Goodell were more concerned with TV ratings and a bottom line than to punish Rice correctly the first time around. Roughly 40% of NFL fans are female and this is a bad look. Then again, this is Baltimore. Expect a Ray Rice statue there within three years.

2) Tony Romo Sucks

Romo is like the butterface of quarterbacks, you want to like him but his flaws are glaring. In the opener against San Francisco he threw for 281 yards with three picks and a touchdown. When your starting quarterback makes Brandon Weeden look desirable you know there is a problem. I’m surprised Troy Aikman didn’t walk down from the broadcast booth and insert himself in the game. Or even Jason Garrett…Shit, or even Jim Harbaugh (that would TOTALLY be a Harbaugh move, playing QB for the other team to challenge his own team’s defense. What an offensive mastermind! It would be great if he played the whole game in pleated khakis too). Jerry Jones is probably kicking himself for passing on Johnny Cleveland.

3. Broncos And Seahawks Are Still Awesome

This one really isn’t a shocker. Peyton Manning makes it look WAY too easy, almost like John Stamos walking into a sorority house and monopolizing the talent. Manning didn’t seem to miss Wes Welker or Eric Decker.  The Denver offense is a fine-tuned machine and with Manning they should go deep into the playoffs again. As for Seattle, they put a whooping on Green Bay to prove they are still the team to beat. My favorite player on the Seahawks? Don’t have one, because it’s the coach. Pete Carroll is the cool uncle who buys you beer as long as you’re at his house. Between the hoodie and the silver wave of hair he is a mix of Bill Belichick genius and Bill Clinton Bro-ness. If all the guys were in the locker room watching porn I am pretty sure Carroll would watch a couple seconds, laugh, then walk away. He and Wilson could be the new Brady-Belichick for years to come.

4. Calvin Johnson Rules

The Lions made Eli Manning look dumber then he already looks….(I know this bit has been done before, but I think Eli seriously has a learning disability….or a relaxed brain (Rocky II)… Either way, Calvin Johnson, Stafford, Golden Tate and Reggie Bush look like the Triple A affiliate of the Denver Broncos. Last year Johnson amassed almost 1,500 yards with 12 touchdowns. He should surpass those numbers this year as long as he stays healthy. With Josh Gordon offering zero percent interest on all makes and models, Johnsons’ receiving throne seems safe and secure.

5. Vikings Look Tough

I know, I know… they played the Rams and starting quarterback Shaun Hill, but nonetheless the Vikings look balanced. Matt Cassel was 17-25 throwing for 170 yards and 2 touchdowns. His numbers will never jump off the page but with a Mike Zimmer defense they don’t have to. Adrian Peterson had a decent day with 21 carries for 75 yards, but Cordarelle Patterson stole the show. On three, that’s right, THREE carries, Patterson rushed for 102 yards. He juked Rams defenders out, broke tackles and actually outgained AD by 27 yards. Will he do this every week? Probably not, but the Vikings look good. Zimmer is a no-nonsense guy and his defense will be stingy. As for the Rams, Shaun Hill left the game with an injury and Austin Davis came in. Oh you don’t know who that is either? Losing Bradford AGAIN might prove to be the final stake in Jeff Fisher’s coaching coffin.  At least Fisher can tour as the front man of a Bob Seger cover band, probably some name like ‘Night Moves’ or ‘Turn The Page’ (if you Google those I am guessing there are Seger tribute bands with those titles….in the words of Metallica, Sad But True.)

[Image via Shutterstock]