The NFL is back! Well, sort of. Training camp is back and we are just over a month away until the NFL season kicks off. July for a sports fan is usually god-awful. Yeah we had the WNBA All-Star Game and the MLB All-Star Game, but both of those games combined are about exciting as a Joe Biden pep talk (seriously if Biden runs for Presidency in 2016 he will make Mitt Romney look like Ryan Gosling). I know all the baseball fans out there are saying, “July is great, it’s the thick of baseball season.” Listen, baseball without steroids is like KISS without makeup. Boring and hard to watch.
Have no fear though, because this NFL season has a lot of great storylines. Can Seattle repeat? Can Peyton lead the Broncos back to the Super Bowl? Can the Cowboys replace Tony Romo with Paul Rudd and see if anyone notices?
5) Will Ray Rice Get Invited On The View?
So many of you already know that Baltimore Ravens Running Back Ray Rice was recently dealt a two-game suspension from the NFL for going Mike Tyson on his then-fiancé earlier this year (she is now his wife, pretty sure that was a “shut the fuck up” diamond). Rice, Rice Baby showed more passion in punching a woman than he showed in 214 rushing attempts last year.
Right now only Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O’Donnell are confirmed to be on The View in 2014. I think Rice could take both of them. Let’s be honest, most us have wanted to punch Rosie O’Donnell since she accosted Tom Selleck on her daytime show back in 1999 (don’t mess with Magnum P.I., Bitch). Maybe Rice will get an invite to help ratings, or maybe he’ll just start crying during interviews from the lessons that fellow humanitarian Ray Lewis showed him.
4) Will The Raiders Win More Than 6 Games With Their ‘Expendables’ Roster?
The Oakland Raiders used to be feared, back in the Al Davis era….as soon as Jon Gruden left, so did the attitude. In the last 10 seasons the Raiders have gone 49-111. The vaunted ‘Black Hole’ is now as intimidating as an Eddie Murphy comedy (basically ANY Eddie Murphy comedy after 1990).
How does freakishly elf-like coach Dennis Allen plan to bring the team back to greatness? The Raiders obtained disgruntled veterans Maurice Jones-Drew (from Jacksonville) and Matt Schaub (from Houston). They put the cherry on top by adding Greg Little from the Browns. As a Clevelander I can say with all certainty that Little will drop more balls than our current presidential administration.
This has The Expendables written ALL over it. Why not put Stallone as head coach, Jason Statham as the quarterback and line up Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger as tight ends? Maybe we can get Dolph Lundgren to play wide receiver and Jet Li on special teams?
At this point digging up the bones of Al Davis might not be a bad idea.
3) Will Jerry Jones Activate Himself As Second-String Quarterback?
That’s right Cowboys fans, you’ve got a 34 year-old quarterback with the wear and tear of a 60 year-old iron worker and your backup is BRANDON FREAKING WEEDEN. This does not look good. Romo makes a lot of great plays and sometimes gets the knock for throwing interceptions late in games, but the clock is ticking. Dating Jessica Simpson will age you dramatically. With Weeden, you have a backup who runs a forty time of 10.2 with the elusiveness of TODAY’s Muhammad Ali.
In Cleveland, Weeden was sacked more times than the slightly overweight sorority girl who the Sig Ep’s used solely as their ‘Slump Buster”
Jerry Jones acts as President and General Manager and water boy and grounds crew and pretty much does everything for the Cowboys, so why not quarterback? Look for Jones to be under center by week 12.
2) Will Johnny Manziel Party And Play Like Lawrence Taylor?
God I hope so. I know Manziel is a quarterback and LT was a linebacker, but these dudes can do two things; play football and party. In Taylor’s autobiography LT: Over the Edge, he talked about partying all night and not even sleeping the night before games. How did he do it? He would fill the whirlpool with cold water and dunk his head in to sober him up. Baller. Taylor was a maniac who played some of his best football on coke. Why fix what isn’t broken?
The lifestyle of Manziel has been well-documented. He likes traveling with packs of ladies and parties so hard he even missed Peyton Manning’s quarterback camp this summer (great alpha move). He rides drunk on inflatable swans but to be honest I am pretty sure the swan started it (STOP LOOKING AT ME SWAN!).
Listen, if Manziel does his best “Broadway Joe” and wears fur coats on the sidelines its fine with me. If he does a line of coke off of the ass of Cowboys Cheerleader during pre-game warm-ups that’s cool too (NOTE: The Browns do not play the Cowboys in 2014, but I can see Johnny flying a cheerleader up specifically for this purpose since ‘America’s Team’ passed on drafting him).
If Manziel has a quarter of the athletic ability that Taylor had, we are in for a fun year.
1) Will Brett Favre Return from the ashes?
I love this guy. Last year the Rams asked him to come in and I am sure other teams have thought about it. His agent said he can still play. Favre is the ole’ gunslinger who now happens to be a Silver Fox. Favre is everything an American male wants to be. He’s athletic, personable, child-like and can’t help but send dick pics to SMOKIN’ hot sideline reporters. Seriously this guy gets better and better.
Maybe Johnny Manziel will be a new version of Favre, who knows? I think if Favre did come back though he would have to do it his way. And by “his way,” I mean playing all games in Wrangler Jeans and a cut-off shirt. He’s earned that right. Favre coaches a high school team down in Mississippi so maybe he can bring some talent with him? Favre’s high school kids probably run routes better than anyone on the Raiders.
I don’t know about you but the Russell Wilson, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady talk is awful. Favre’s return would be epic.
Maybe if Romo, Weeden AND Jones go down?….So you’re telling me there’s a chance!