Reporter Appalled That LSU Cancelled School For Two Days For The National Championship Gets Stuffed In Digital Locker

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The easiest way to make an enemy in school, no matter the grade, is to brand yourself a kiss ass. There isn’t one kid who made a folder fortress around his quiz to prevent cheating or begged for homework like others begged for Dunkaroos that you or I still keep in touch with. You know why? Darwinism. This breed was too weak to survive and advance.

Ten percent of the federal budget is made up of stolen lunch money that has no one to be returned to. Sad. Test in peace, Billy, knowing that I can’t see your paper over your grave stone.

Bottom line is the brown-noser, even if his intentions are true or pure, is a bad strategy.

Some learn this later than others.

The man is Binyamin Appelbaum, and he writes editorials about business and economics for The New York Times. Could honestly be the nicest, kindest, most generous person on the earth for all I know. I’m willing to believe this while recognizing that leading the outrage brigade for some bullshit is his weakest moment.

Mr. Appelbaum (that’s Professor Appelbaum M.D. to you, you uneducated swine) is upset that LSU’s Board of Supervisors officially cancelled classes on Monday and Tuesday for the national championship game, as to ensure that no one slips on the river of puke in the hallways.

Yo Appelbaum, these kids are less than 10 hours removed from chanting ‘SUCK THAT TIGER DICK, BABY‘ in public, at the top of their lungs. Do you know how long it takes to come down from that much lightning in the veins. Not sure an hour lecture on the Importance of Basketweaving On The Modern Society is going to ease that come down.

Professor (also drunk): So how does basketweaving reinforce gender stereotypes in limiting ways? 

Students (in unison): 

P.S. Appelbaum, you sure you want to pick up your sword textbook for this frivolous fight…


A study in First World Problems 101. 

TL;DR alternative headline: Grown Man Mad That 30,000 Still Drunk Students Aren’t Learning.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.