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The NFL season is a long, grueling haul, especially for franchise quarterbacks. That said, what Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick has accomplished in two games is nothing short of magic. Fitzmagic. Even better, it’s coming with a special dash of Harvard swag, complete with Conor McGregor-esque outfits at Sunday’s post-game press conference and a beard circa 1863 that looks like it weathered flanking an infinity on the Gettysburg battlefield.
I mean, just look at how much Fitzmagic has embraced the ways of a grizzly beardsman:
https://twitter.com/iamHectorDiaz/status/1041369320020832256
Which brings us to a truly Twitter account: Major Ryan Fitzpatrick, where an anonymous person is photoshopping Ryan Fitzpatrick on the famous black and white portraits of civil war colonels, generals, and majors. Each tweet comes with wistful Civil War-style letters from the frontlines, written to “Dearest Liza” after leading the team to victory on the football field.
Dearest Liza,
After our victory on Sunday, Private Jackson presented me with a new pair of spectacles and accessory jewelry. It was quite a hit amongst the traveling gaggle of scribes. Please give Bella our milk cow a tug from me.
Love until the earth is proven round,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/27aemZO95B
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) September 18, 2018
It’s whimsical comedy gold and worth an early-season follow, clearly in the exact same vein as the Captain Andrew Luck Civil War account.
Can’t wait to see how things go from here. A few highlights…
On Eagles gameday:
Dearest Liza,
Again we were victorious in this glorious Sunday against our feathered taloned enemy aggressors, this time from the Pennsylvania territory. General Koetter has promised us all fried eagle and hardtack biscuits for supper.
Love like Wilkes Booth loves acting,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/7LrQoYypFB— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) September 16, 2018
After beating The Saints…
Dear Liza,
We faced a tough regiment from Louisiana and it was a back and forth battle. The Good Lord blessed me with marvelous sidearm strength today. I look forward to some marrow stew and hot cornbread as we prepare for Pennsylvania next week.
Enduring love,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/d0NSvZo3FJ
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) September 9, 2018
Before the season began…
Dearest Liza,
This evening we host the kitty cats from the North Florida territory for one final skirmish tuneup. Then we prepare for the real battle, when we will march to the Louisiana swamps to face the hostile Saints.
Love like described in the Good Book,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/B5IXoO3Wex
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 30, 2018
Previously, in the pre-season:
My Dear Liza,
This evening we battle the jungle beast aggressors from Michigan. As you can see in this photograph, I do not fear these untamed animals. Please tell Mother I am taking my vitamin tonic elixir daily.
Love till the moon is proven to not be cheese,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/bH1nw2B0Hb
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 24, 2018
But don’t think Major Ryan Fitzpatrick is only writing epistles about himself from the frontlines of football:
Dearest Liza,
The regiment received quite the scare this week when Pvt. Smith was wounded in a skirmish practice. We feared the worst but quick attention saved his leg from certain amputation. God was watching over, and he will be back in the near future.
Love unending,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/2Bn18Fbcxe
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 23, 2018
My Dear Liza,
My sidearm was weary tonight, but thank the Good Lord Lieutenant Winston took over and led the men in a most impressive fashion. He taught the men what it was to “Eat A W.” We still are confused about what we saw, but it was, quite tasty.
My Endless Love,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/HCB2Ip3RlJ
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 19, 2018
I swear, this never gets old…
My Dear Liza,
Tonight we are resting after a practice skirmish with the mountain hillbillies this morn. My squad performed well and my sidearm is not weary. We dined on hog jowl soup and rutabagas. I feel slightly gassy, but satisfied.
Love Like J.W. Booth Loves to Act,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/qiFHOArJwC
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 16, 2018
My Dearest Liza,
We were given a day of rest to observe the Sabbath. Tonight we lay under the stars swatting at these Florida bugs some are convinced are tiny Pterodactyls. The Perseid meteor showers are a sign we are destined for much success this year.
Yours Truly,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/jE1GkLKRNw
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 13, 2018
My Dearest Liza,
With the help of the good Lord we defeated the marine mammals last night near the Everglades. Private Alan Cross was our hero. The men call him Honcho for unknown reasons. The wagons are loaded as we return to camp this morn.
With Unceasing Love,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/MC3h81DWac
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 10, 2018
My Dearest Liza,
The day has arrived. My sidearm is at full strength. We received word Vice President Licht will be watching the skirmish perched from above. He will be looking for deficiencies. Pray we have few casualties.
Love you more than cracklin cornbread,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/Qfe0a0Fj7p
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 9, 2018
My Dear Liza,
The horses have been fed. The gunpowder and lead have been loaded and we will saddle up for the skirmish against the marine mammals on Thursday. We have many injured troops and we leave at daybreak. Pray my sidearm performs well.
Love like a hog loves corn,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/a3rkE1Z9ZD
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 7, 2018
My Liza,
Today was glorious as from the fields came a large group people carrying sticks. We were concerned at first but when they failed to light them on fire we were relieved. They shouted encouragements during our skirmish practice. #StickCarriers
Love Eternal,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/1B1fvc1ncG
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 4, 2018
Dearest Liza,
2nd Lieutenant Winston did a masterful job of leading his regiment into an offensive position and he and private Reedy were on the same page today. The Miami skirmish practice looms and we will begin our march southward soon.
With Unceasing Enteral Love,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/LwAkGcvO5M
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 4, 2018
My Dearest Liza,
It was a most perplexing day for my regiment as we were not at our best. General Koetter was disturbed and gave us a blast of unrepeatable non-Christian words after skirmish practice. My sidearm grows weary.
Love till the earth is finally proven round,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/EK5eECr2FS
— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 3, 2018
My Dear Liza,
We recently had a photo commissioned of myself and my lieutenants. On my right is Lt. Griffin who we all have marveled at his ability to hold his sheepish grin for so long. He is talented with his sidearm but inexperienced.
Loving regards,
Ryan pic.twitter.com/ahK1PATwWa— Major Ryan Fitzpatrick (@MajorRyanFitz) August 2, 2018