As I type this, a hefty majority of New Englanders are hitching a sock to their bedroom doors while playing the Dropkick Murphy’s softly in the background to set the stage for a vigorous masturbation effort.
Chowdaheads believe the only way to avoid seeing Tom Brady in another team’s colors is to give him a high-profile downfield weapon that he can trust like his old ass trusts his heart to Lipitor. Gone are the days when Troy Brown and David Patten are enough to win the only game that matters in New England.
Stefon Diggs, who is treating his current team like a cheating ex, is the dynamic receiver who can resurrect the Patriots offense and make everyone forget about Gronk’s CBD brand.
The 26-year-old Vikings receiver has removed all mention of the Minnesota Vikings from his Instagram profile, further cementing the belief that he wants to move to a city whose biggest attraction isn’t the Mall of America.
Diggs, who is entering the second year of a five-year, $78 million deal with the Vikings, caught 63 passes for 1,130 yards and six touchdowns last season. The Patriots scooping up Diggs would be like dangling avocado ice cream in Tom Brady’s face in mid-August.
You thought I was kidding when I said New Englanders are prepping for a robust meat beating.
The Patriots are armed with a 23rd overall pick they could barter for the Pro Bowl receiver. Oh, and the best coach-quarterback combo in the history of the game.