I love watching large people run. Be it a fat person making a mad-dash to the buffet line in the final moments of the all-you-can-eat deal, a pudgy kid playing tag with his classmates or a flat-footed bodybuilder participating in the 100 yard dash, there’s something inexplicably enjoyable about watching a man whose body is too big for the world try and run. Maybe it’s because I myself have too little skin for my surplus of insides, maybe not. It probably is.
So yes, I’m all-in on the Tennessee Titans’ linemen running a relay race in hopes of giving their teammates the day off of training camp. Which they did in under a minute.
On Thursday, June 16th, the world shook, as did my heart from excitement. Seeing 1,272 pounds of man run a full field circuit in under one minute pretty much is the peak of my weird, fat-man running obsession. I mean, Mike Mularkey essentially insulated these guys from failure. If they didn’t pull it off, no one would be that surprised since they’re linemen. But, since they did, they’re heroes. And they get off tomorrow, so you know they’re going out drinking. Lap dances for the fat guys on the running backs. I really hope this turns into a trend and I get to see fat men running around the football field once a week. I need that in my life. Too many people are realizing that Americans are fat and losing weight. Stop doing that. I need you in my life. Otherwise I’m going to have gain weight and put my treadmill in front of my mirror. Don’t make me do that.