Tom Brady’s New Wax Statue Looks Like It Would Be Third String Quarterback On My Coed Flag Football Team

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Believe it or not, I’m not a guy who spends his weekends at the local wax museums. Unless my grandmother is in town, I refuse to pay $35 admission to see clay Clay Aiken when I have his blowup doll that is anatomically correct. I mean what. So, I won’t lose sleep if a molded candle doesn’t mirror reality. But, I’m also a man who doesn’t like to be cheated. Don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining.

And just days after New York’s famous Madame Tussauds museum unveiled a shameful Beyonce statue, they’ve doubled down on their incompetence. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Tim Brody.

Raul Martinez/Twitter

Holy shit. I wouldn’t let that dude coach my son’s tee ball game, never mind lead a game-winning Super Bowl drive. Maybe I’ll call this guy if I need life insurance but I’m certainly not picking this needle dick as my Fantasy keeper. That’s the face of a man who still wanks it to the bra and panties section of a Macy’s catalog, not the guy who is married to the most successful supermodel on the planet. I’d really like to be there to see the Madame Tussauds board of directors’ faces when Stevie Wonder rips the sheet off these statues to show the work he’s done–do they call him on his bullshit or turn a blind eye? I could make a more realistic creation if you gave me a cup of Play Doh and a pair of Uggs for shits sake.

In any event, NBC’s Raul Martinez raises an interesting question: What is the creepiest Tom Brady–Tim Brody, Texas Chainsaw Brady, or Emaciated Courtroom Brady? It’s an arm’s race.

[h/t Raul Martinez/Twitter]

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.