There is very little downside to being an NFL player, aside from the CTE and your body screaming every morning you wake up. Players are paid more than generations of blue collar folks, treated like gods in their team’s city, and some even get away with murdering their ex and a waiter. Cushy, cushy.
That is why it’s important to treat those with objectively better lives than the rest of us like absolute doo doo to make their lives a bit worse and to feel better about ourselves, our Michelin Man-shaped bodies, and the fact that we weigh more than our checking account balance. Just me? Fuck.
That’s why the NFL Edition of Mean Tweets on Jimmy Kimmel breathes meaning into my shitty life. I hope you take comfort in it as well.
It is true that if I took a full shot out of Tom Brady’s chin, I’d be texting ‘U uP.?’ messages to my third grade teacher and my mailman. That shit is deeper than a Bon Iver song.
Also, it was super nice for Travis Kelce to take a break from masturbating to his own Facebook picture to participate. If only he loved Patrick Mahomes as much as he loves himself, he would tell his friend that his haircut looks like a defective chia pet.
Success. I officially feel better about my life. Can’t wait for dinner tonight: canned beans with a liter of Drain-o.
Check out more installments of Mean Tweets HERE.