The idea of a home invasion is terrifying. When I was in NYC it wasn’t something I ever put much thought into. I lived in a doorman building with hundreds of other apartments. The odds of a home-invading scumbag coming to the 21st floor to rob me of all my possessions was preposterous. They had 19 other floors and about 200 other apartments to choose from before they got to me. And yes, that floor math is correct; most buildings don’t have a 13th floor because people are superstitious morons.
Now that my wife and I have moved out of the city and into a house in the burbs, I am sufficiently paranoid about someone trying to even set foot on my lawn. Like a lot of people, I have a security system and an obnoxious ADT sign in front of my house. But what happens if some psychopath just wants to pop in to do some good old fashioned murderin’? No alarm is going to save me. The cops won’t get there fast enough. So it’s fight or flight time. That’s why my nightstand is packed with all kinds of deadly goodies. I have like six pocket knives in there because in my brain I am extremely proficient in knife throwing, although I should mention that I have never thrown a knife in my life. And if those don’t work, well, then it’s time to bring out THE REAPER. Otherwise known as a Wüsthof meat cleaver.
Why do I keep that in the nightstand? Two reasons, really. First off, we never use it in the kitchen — who the hell needs a meat cleaver? And, most importantly, when you charge an assailant with a meat cleaver, it’s definitely going to register in his head that someone means motherfucking business. Not to mention, if you do manage to take out some dickbeard in self-defense, having it printed in the local paper that you did it with a goddamn meat cleaver gives you all the street cred you will ever need living in a suburban neighborhood. Plus, I’m pretty sure my proficiency in cleaver throwing is right around expert level. Again, I’ve never done it, but I’m hella athletic so I can probably chuck it up to 50-yards with deadly precision.
Why do I bring all this “I MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE” bullshit up? Because Washington State University football coach Mike Leach recently revealed that he’s a big fan of keeping his family safe and he has an even better bedside weapon at his disposal. Like a true savage, he even practices using it in front of the TV.
Per the Seattle Times:
I keep my guns on one part of the house totally locked up, and I keep the ammunition in another part of the house. Because if you think about it carefully, statistically, you’re more likely to shoot yourself, a loved one or a relative. There’s this (absurd) notion of ‘if you come in my house I’ll shoot ya.’ I do have a Viking axe by the bed if I need to whack someone. … My wife bought me a Viking axe – the axe side curls down so you can grab the adversary around the neck and you can use it to climb walls, as a grappling hook.’
Leach wasn’t finished over-sharing. When someone asked him to clarify what he does with his Viking axe, he dished the goods.