John Cena Interrupts Nursing Home Lunchtable That’s Talking About Him — WWE Raw Results

WWE Raw results

Welcome to another addition of the only WWE Raw results column that dares to ask the question “just how many Bedazzlers does Jerry Lawler own to make all those shirts?”

Before diving into the WWE Raw results and recap, I’d want to take a moment to remind everyone to join in the conversation. This isn’t a one man show. Well, these recaps are a one man show because we can’t all type at once, but the WWE conversation is open to all. Make sure to leave a comment at the end and follow me on Twitter to talk during every WWE program.

End of commercial. Let’s fire this up.

WWE Raw Results and Recap

Raw begins off with three old men discussing the chances of tapioca pudding being served in the cafeteria for two straight meals John Cena defeating Brock Lesnar at Night of Champions. Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair and the Heartbreak Middle-Aged Man slowly ease into comfy chairs in the ring and if I wanted to listen to the wrestling opinions of three geriatrics who only pay attention half the time, I’d read every single wrestling column on the Internet. Including my own.

Michael Cole is in the ring to moderate the Hall of Famer’s discussion but begins by addressing “those unaware of what Brock Lesnar did at Summerslam” and is there really anyone in crowd or watching at home unaware of the single biggest storyline in WWE at the moment? Does Cole imagine people just wander in off the street to “check out this whole wrestling thing?” Schmuck.

“Hustle, Loyalty, Respect isn’t a marketing logo,” says Hulk Hogan “because you can’t sell those things.” But you can sell weight training sets, rosary beads and multivitamins, which is why Hogan’s catchphrase was much better. Hogan is right. HLR is not a marketing logo. Holding a sweat rag with the catchphrase — now THAT’s a marketing gimmick.

Cena’s music hits (yet Hogan keeps talking because he probably took out his Miracle Ears in the back with all the pyro and such) and Johnny comes to the ring to tell HBK and Flair why they’re wrong in their prediction that Lesnar is too much for Cena to handle. Cena explains he doesn’t want to beat Lesnar at Night of Champions, he wants to beat his ass, and Cena’s music wakes the panel up long enough for the nurse to come give them all their pills before bed.

Rusev takes on Jack Swagger in what’s become my “Bottle Deposit” match. The Bottle Deposit is an episode of Seinfeld that’s always on. Anytime, and every time, I flick on Seinfeld, I catch that same damn episode. Rusev and Swagger are wrestling every single time I flip on Raw. Sadly, these two aren’t as rewatchable as Kramer and Newman driving across the country.

Light one up for the departing Rob Van Dam. RVD wrestled his second-to-last match for the company against Cesaro on Raw for the #1 contender spot for the United States Championship. Cesaro picks up the victory, along with Sheamus’ belt, and tosses it in the fellas face. The Swiss Superman will walk out of Night of Champions the US Champ.

AJ Lee’s entrance theme is slightly less grating than any song on the arcade version of Dance Dance Revolution. AJ Lee also looks like a girl who’d totally kill it at Dance Dance Revolution. Paige finally defeats Natalya but Nattie gets the last shot in with a vicious clothesline. AJ apologies to Paige, gives her a hug, and skips back up the ramp.

My affection for the Dust Brothers runs deep and in direct correlation to my boredom with The Usos. I love them even more after the vicious attack on the Usos after the match. Golddust and Cody Dust did their best career work as heels. Please let this vicious streak continue and end with title change at Night of Champions.

999 shirt

I checked WWE Shop. That shirt doesn’t exist. I refuse to hit refresh.

Good news on the medical front for one WWE superstar — Roman Reigns has regained all short-term memory loss. It happened during the eulogy for Dean Ambrose. Reigns was hanging out near the concessions stands when a brain freeze from a tropical slushee shook the cobwebs from his cerebellum and he said out loud “Oh, right! Seth Rollins stabbed me in the back and Dean Ambrose and I are still friends.” This prompted Reigns to hit the ring, break up the fake death ceremony, and get himself inserted into ANOTHER handicapped match. But at least his memory is back everybody!

The WWE really bollixed this feud between The Miz and Dolph Ziggler. First off, The Miz should have held on to the belt at Summerslam. He could have done it in an underhanded, Hollywood type way by getting disqualified or purposely counted out after one too many shots to The Money Maker but The Miz should still be the Intercontinental Champ. Right now, Ziggler holds the belt and it feels as though he’s the one pursuing The Miz. Why would a champion want to keep going after the same challenger?  Especially after the guy exhausted his automatic rematch clause.

While I’m not a fan of this reverse cat and mouse game, I heartily enjoyed Damien Mizdow as a stunt double and The Miz cracking “well, he’s fired” immediately after the Zig Zag and three count on Mizdow. The Miz should incorporate the stunt double into his gimmick, occasionally making other wrestlers “stand in” during matches or even backstage segments. Make it Sandow on a permanent basis. Give the guy something to do besides cheap heat segments with the hometown crowd.

Win or lose, Slater Gator is entertaining.

There is a specific adult film fetish that involves two women, twins to be exact, and those women engage in sexual acts with a man and usually one another. It’s a rare sight, but it does exist, and it’s rare for two reasons. First, it’s hard to find two sisters sick enough to screw each other at all, let alone on camera for money. Second, it’s not a fetish most men care to witness. Jerry Lawler would totally watch two sisters get it on without blinking an eye. And that brings us to the segment involving the King attempting to get the sisters to kiss (figuratively but he’d get his rocks off if it happened literally) and make up.

Nikki Bella has to explain, again, why she’s fed up with her sister. Nikki wished her sister dead in the womb, which prompted this Brie Bella face, straight from the Julliard School Of Robert DeNiro Impressions.

Brie Bella

While I’m glad Brie Bella made it out of the womb I can’t help but think her ability to act and react might still be floating lifelessly somewhere inside her mom.

Yesterday, on our Facebook page, a post about WWE officials souring on Adam Rose turned into a Bo Dallas hate fest. I’ll summarize the countless negative comments but the overall feeling is that most WWE fans can’t stand Bo Dallas.

I love that people hate Bo Dallas. It means his gimmick is working. Fans are SUPPOSED to hate Bo. Other wrestlers are SUPPOSED to hate Bo. Hell, I’ll bet even Bo hates Bo a little. That’s a credit to the wrestler. If people didn’t care either way, he wouldn’t be getting so much heat. I’m a Boliever.

Jack Swagger is not a Boliever. Yet.

Speaking of Jack Swagger, that brings us to the main event. What does Swagger have to do with Cena vs. Bray Wyatt? Nothing, I’m just about to connect some dots and Swagger is involved.

Rusev is still selling his injured ankle. An ankle damaged by Jack Swagger at Summerslam. Dolph Ziggler is still suffering from a bum knee. Those “injuries” take time to heel. It doesn’t help that both men step in the ring week after week. My point here is that Rusev’s ankle and Ziggler’s knee are an important part of the storytelling process.

The entire opening segment of the show, and SUPLEX REPEAT from two weeks ago, is selling the WWE universe that John Cena took the beating of his life. THE BEATING OF HIS LIFE. So, one would imagine, after suffering such a beating at the hands of The Beast Incarnate, Cena would show some physical after effects.

Nope. He’s John fucking Superman.

I’m fine with him beating Bray Wyatt from post to post (because Bray’s damaged goods now anyway) but AT LEAST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IT’S PHYSICALLY TOUGH, JOHN. Suplex Bray Wyatt into the mat with authority but come up holding your still aching back from taking sixteen suplexes. Make it look a little painful to pick up a 300 pound competitor. Tell us a story, John. Maybe your sister-in-law isn’t the worst actress in the family.

Stop selling the people sweat rags, John, and start selling them on the story.

Got more something you want to discuss besides WWE Raw results? Leave it in the comments or reach out on Twitter @chrisilluminati.

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