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THE HEADLINES

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WHAT THE MUSK?

Tilray, the Canadian cannabis producer, had itself a day on Wednesday with shares rising as much as 94% before leveling off and settling at a 38% gain on the day.

The other Nasdaq component’s stoner friend became the first marijuana company to IPO on the index back in July and had more than doubled its IPO price of $17 by mid-August. Fast forward to Wednesday: prices skyrocketed from $233.58 to $300 by 2:50 PM, and then, following a series of trading halts, dropped to $168 within the hour. Prices shot up at the end of the session to close at $214.06 but looked to be giving back gains during after-hours trading.

Tilray received approval from the US Drug Enforcement Administration to import pharmaceutical-grade medical cannabis for a clinical trial on Tuesday. Investors also must’ve loved what they heard from CEO Brendan Kennedy on Mad Money Tuesday night, saying that investing in cannabis is a great hedge for alcohol and drug companies.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “We would like to formally announce that The Water Coolest will be cashing in on the cannabinoid frenzy and changing its name to The Bong Water Coolest with the intention of convincing speculators to invest their crypto-gains with us.”

 

DIRTY LAUNDRY

Denmark’s largest bank’s money laundering scandal continues to snowball. Results of an internal investigation at Danske Bank estimate that the firm transacted $230B worth of illegal funds on behalf of Russian-linked accounts.

Apparently, nobody thought to look at Russia’s gateway to the west, Estonia, as a likely place to clean and move hundreds of billions of dirty dollars. While Danske Bank is Denmark’s biggest banking institution, the $230B figure is 26 times the rate of Estonian government spending, and double its annual exports.

The transactions appear to date as far back as 2007, and some 6,200 bank accounts have been identified, with 8,800 customers who still need to be analyzed. CEO, Thomas Borgen resigned yesterday amid mounting pressure. It remains to be seen if he will face criminal charges.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “The Board of Directors is citing a lack of controls over money laundering as the main cause of the lapse. Some A+ forensic accounting work, lads.”

 

AMAZON GO-ING ALL IN ON BRICK AND MORTAR

Jeff Bezos and Amazon have plans to open up to 3k cashier-less convenience stores by 2021 that will serve prepared food items and a small selection of groceries. So, Wawa minus the cashier with neck tattoos and a criminal record.

The company has already implemented the technology at its first Amazon Go store near HQ1 in Seattle and has plans to open two more bode-, er, corner stores, soon. Shoppers enter the store using an app, browse a selection of sustainably-sourced, overpriced food items, then head for the exits without so much as an awkward social interaction. An elaborate system of cameras and sensors, estimated to cost upwards of $1M per store, keeps track of your spending.

An Amazon brick and mortar would threaten more than the 150k convenience stores in the US. The news sent shivers down the spines of traditional retailers and their investors. Walmart, Target, and Kroger all dropped on the news.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “It was cute when Bezos was taking over internet commerce, but sh*t just go real.”

 

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IN OTHER NEWS

• Three men have been charged with running a $364M Ponzi scheme and using the proceeds on cars, jewelry, lavish real estate … you know, all of the stuff they tell you not to buy in Wire Fraud for Dummies. The men promised investors lucrative returns via their prowess in the purchase and sale of consumer debt.

 

• Gary Cohn is not, not going to become CEO of Wells Fargo. Rumor mills are abuzz with chatter that Wells Fargo has reached out to former Goldman Sachs exec and National Economic Forum Director Gary Cohn as a possible replacement for current chief executive, Tim Sloan. Wells’ board even took the unprecedented step of announcing they definitely, totally, 100% behind Sloan.

 

• Mike Jackson, the CEO of AutoNation, the nation’s largest dealership chain, plans to step down after almost 20 years in the driver’s seat. He’s known for his bombastic personality.

 

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