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THE HEADLINES

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ROOM RAIDERS

German officials raided Deutsche Bank’s offices as part of an investigation related to the Panama Papers. You read that right … the feds going all Elian Gonzalez on DB isn’t even related to the firm’s alleged wrongdoing in the Danske Bank saga.

When it rains it pours. And pour it did in Frankfurt, as roughly 170 police officers overran DB HQ seizing documents and making the Stratton Oakmont raid feel very “Paul Blart.” A search for DB analyst’s missing bonuses turned up empty according to authorities.

The search focused in on two employees only identified by their age. At least one of them remains employed in the financial-crimes fighting unit of the embroiled bank. Because, of course they are.

In case you brushed off the Panama Papers as “just another one of those Wiki Leaks,” let’s recap, shall we? The Panama Papers were a big f*cking deal … and still are. A bunch of investigative journalists uncovered a ring of elaborate offshore tax evasion that helped the rich and famous protect hundreds of millions of dollars from the tax man.

Deutsche Bank, which confirmed the investigation, fell 3.4% in trading today.

And now for a live look at CEO Christian Sewing.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “I cannot wait for this episode of Dirty Money to drop on Netflix.”

 

SOMETHING’S BREWING

It’s time to crack open a very affordable cold one. MillerCoors has agreed to settle a dispute with Pabst over their brewing partnership.

What happened?

MillerCoors has been producing Pabst’s beers since 1999. An agreement between the two companies was set to expire in 2020 but gave Pabst the right to extend the relationship until 2030 as long as MillerCoors had enough capacity to continue making the products.

After MillerCoors closed a brewery in 2016, it claimed it didn’t have enough capacity anymore. Hence the lawsuit, which claimed that MillerCoors was trying to put PBR out of business and eliminate it as a competitor. Pabst sought $400M in damages … and at least two cases of the Miller High Life.

Although the settlement terms were not disclosed, we can all shotgun a cold one knowing that “Pabst will continue to offer Pabst Blue Ribbon and the rest of our authentic, great tasting and affordable brews to all Americans for many, many years to come.”

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Might run to the store and grab a thirty rack of PBR after work today. Have a good weekend, you guys.”

 

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IN OTHER NEWS

• Reading the Fed minutes is like listening to Ben Stein narrate a CPA exam prep book. So here are the cliff notes: the Fed still plans to increase interest rates next month but is far less sure what it will do going forward. Shocker.

 

• Can you say “third wheel?” According to the South China Morning Post, White House trade policy adviser, Peter Navarro will join President Trump and Chinese president Xi Jinping for dinner during a meeting slated for the G20 summit. The Dow fell on the news. Navarro is known for playing hardball with the Chinese on trade … and chewing with his mouth open.

 

• When an envelope full of anthrax shows up at Jeff Bezos’ house, we’ll know who sent it. Unilver will replace its long-time CEO Paul Polman with Unilever lifer Alan Jope. The maker of the preferred consumer goods of middle class households has faced a slew of setbacks as of late including a hostile takeover bid by Kraft Heinz, rising commodity costs … and, yes, Jeffrey Commerce. Amazon’s “Basics” have eaten into the mayo makers top line.

 

• More than 27k victims will be receiving part of a $695M distribution from the $4B reparation fund earmarked for victims of the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme. Investors were duped out of roughly $19B in principal and $40B in “profits.” Bernard Madoff who was sentenced to 150 years for his misdeeds is apparently the scion of Swiss Miss in prison, having cornered the market in Club Fed.

 

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