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THE HEADLINES

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THEY CAN TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY CAN’T TAKE OUR PRODUCE

Deutsche Bank is curtailing costs like PBS after a lackluster phone-a-thon. The most recent cost-cutting efforts include forcing investment bankers to travel coach, reducing the number of employees allowed to attend conferences and even removing free fruit bowls from offices.

New CEO Christian Sewing is ‘Making Investment Banking Middle Class Again,’ one expense report at a time. Sewing is implementing a zero tolerance policy on budget overages, in an attempt to change the culture of overspending.

Under new COO, Frank Kuhnke, dubbed ‘Frank the Tank’ for his frugal ways and swashbuckling tactics, DB has closed up shop in Houston, slashed headcount in Chicago and has plans to lay off as many as 7k employees worldwide.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “If you can’t be an entitled douchelord with a limitless expense account, is there any point in being an investment banker?”

 

OKAY, BIXBY

On Thursday Samsung announced a number of new products, including the Samsung Home, and its Alexa knockoff, Bixby. The plan is to compete with both Apple and Amazon’s smart speakers. What else is new?

Spotify got top billing as Samsung’s default music service. Shares of the “ROI” (radio on internet) jumped five percent on the news.

Samsung also announced the new Galaxy Note 9, which it hopes can eat away at Apple’s stranglehold on the smartphone market. The phone will cost approximately one first-born child (about $1k) and is built to lure unsuspecting customers away from the iPhone X.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “I just really hope they programmed Bixby to get mad when you call it Siri, who you broke up with after the iPhone 7 release and totally don’t still have feelings for.”

 

THE GERMANS ARE COMING

Germany may not have won the World Cup, but its biggest sports apparel retailer, Adidas, sure did. Revenue rose 20% in Q2, leading to a 20% increase in profit. More specifically, online sales increased 26% due in large part to 2.5M new e-commerce app downloads.

But did the World Cup really help?

In short, yes. The Cup’s official ball, featured in some 47,902 passes, donned the Adidas logo. Adi Dassler’s brainchild also won the jersey sponsorship battle against Nike. Nike did sponsor the winner, France, but the Swoosh’s North American sales grew just 3% vs. Adidas and Reebok’s 16% over the same time period.

The bottom line? Adidas is growing 5x faster than Nike in America.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “When it comes to soccer, I guess Germans JUST DO IT better.”

 

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IN OTHER NEWS

 

• Tribune Media Group called off its $3.9B merger with rival Sinclair Broadcast Group. Tribune cited Sinclair’s half-hearted efforts to comply with regulators during the merger. Sinclair is suing for $1B.

 

• Condé Nast is looking to branch out into video, data, b2b marketing, and consulting services as it tries to diversify away from its advertising revenue stream. You mean people aren’t reading magazines anymore?

 

• Amazon is building health clinics for its employees, and potentially other citizens as a pilot program for Dr. Atul Gawande’s healthcare company designed by Bezos, Dimon, and Buffett.

 

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