Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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I want to be a singer, but I had a good childhood.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) July 7, 2014
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Then you’re not allowed.
I'm not a fan of writing tweets about Matthew McConaughey because I have to stop and look up how to spell 'McConaughey' every time.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 7, 2014
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Copy/paste is your friend, Jenny.
I hate Pizza Hut omg
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) July 7, 2014
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So how do you feel about Papa John’s then?
Ooof. Eating all that salsa yesterday was a Poor Life Decision.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) July 7, 2014
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But it tastes SO goooood.
Let's start calling people Bozos
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) July 7, 2014
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I’m down with this idea.
The three year old just informed me she knows how to spell "poop," so clearly this parenting thing isn't really that difficult.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) July 7, 2014
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Pffft, seriously.
I just walked by Willow Smith–she wasn't whipping her hair in case you were wondering.
— alexandria morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) July 7, 2014
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That was going to be my first question.
Transformers 4 was so good I made my wife move into the garage.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 7, 2014
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What a Bozo.
Peeing in an airport bathroom makes me appreciate going in the comfort of home in countless mason jars
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) July 7, 2014
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I do believe that those are equally sanitary.
These Expendables movies are becoming expendable.
— Jeff Ross (@realjeffreyross) July 7, 2014
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Blasphemy.
When Invisalign goes in, booty call is off!
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 8, 2014
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I’ll try to remember that next time, Katy.
2 all of you who work out at 5:30 AM…I tried it. I'm never doing it again. You are stupid. I blame you for the worst morning of my life
— Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) July 8, 2014
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We can’t all be The Rock, you know?
With all due respect, people of China, stop seeing Transformers so much, you're making movies worse for everyone!
— Aziz Ansari (@azizansari) July 8, 2014
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Those Chinese, always ruining things for Americans.
There is at least a 50% chance that I will eventually just devote this account to David Foster Wallace quotes, peppered by boob pictures.
— Kayden Kross (@Kayden_Kross) July 9, 2014
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I’ll still follow her, because, you know, boob pictures.
Just landed in Frankfurt, Germany. I already got scored on twice. #SoccerReference #WorldCup #SoccerBalls
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 9, 2014
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All that joke needed was a rimshot to totally nail it.
dear twitter, do you like your dick picks with or without circumcisions?
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) July 9, 2014
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Decent question.
I think Lebron's gonna go to the Mets. #sports
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) July 9, 2014
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Zach Braff, droppin’ some knowledge.
dear fat, plz go to boob, thx
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) July 9, 2014
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Mind over matter, right?
We're still debating Donald Sterling's mental competency after he screamed at his wife, "Get away from me, you pig!" in the courtroom?!
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) July 10, 2014
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Apparently we still need more evidence.
monopoly is never fun and never results in anything but violence and misery
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) July 10, 2014
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This is true.
Someone drove 17 hours to see someone of interest & she denied to partake in horizontal activities…
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) July 10, 2014
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“Someone…”
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK TATIANA MASLANY DIDNT GET NOMINATED!? Seriously. Best actress on TV. This is ridiculous #EmmyFail #Emmys #WTF
— Sophia Bush (@SophiaBush) July 10, 2014
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Such language, Sophia.
Astounded and grateful to get an Emmy nomination this morning. Kids way more excited about Minecraft update. It has wolves.
— Julie Bowen (@itsJulieBowen) July 10, 2014
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Wait, really? Wolves?
"Everybody knows I love Austin, Texas." —President Obama
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) July 10, 2014
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Huh?
Though it's "illegal", the call girl who injected heroin into the Google exec, then drank wine on a yacht seems like she knows how to party.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) July 10, 2014
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I don’t think she’ll be getting many more party invites now though.
I think whoever comes up with those Number 5 gum commercials does a lot of acid.
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) July 11, 2014
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No joke.
Gonna head down to the sports book here in Vegas to check over/under on number of times we'll see the video of LeBron & Wade at the airport.
— Seth Davis (@SethDavisHoops) July 11, 2014
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I’d take the over.
Goodnight fish tits
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) July 10, 2014
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Have a great weekend, everybody!