20. Lewis Hamilton
Nothing is as alpha male cool as being a boss race car driver, and Lewis Hamilton just so happens to be the best driver in the world. At least when it comes to Formula 1. And since Formula 1 is pretty much the suave, sophisticated international James Bond to the redneck Jeff Foxworthy that is NASCAR, I think he wins. I’m sure his girlfriend, Nicole Scherzinger, thinks so.
19. Madison Bumgarner
Despite having a name that sounds like a spoiled sorority girl’s, Madison Bumgarner overcame all that to have the best World Series pitching performance ever. That’s right, ever. His 0.25 ERA is unmatched in baseball history for any pitcher with 25 or more innings pitched. Given that the World Series has been going on for a thousand years, and everyone from Sandy Koufax to Babe fucking Ruth has pitched in it, that’s, uh, that’s pretty incredible. Also, how are you gonna throw shade on any bro who walks around with a nickname like Mad Bum?
18. Jan Koum and Brian Acton
A few years ago, Jan Koum and Brian Acton were just two dudes who couldn’t get a job at Facebook. So in 2014, they took their creation, WhatsApp, and sold it to Facebook for $19 billion. In the process, they personally took home over $7 billion and almost $4 billion respectively, and took their dongs out and placed them on Mark Zuckerberg’s desk. Okay, maybe that last part didn’t happen. At least not literally. Still, as cosmic “Fuck you’s” go, that’s not too bad.
17. Chris Hemsworth
The dude is fucking Thor. What more do you need? Okay fine, in between stints starring as a Norse God, Hemsworth managed to get himself named People’s sexiest man alive in 2014, which is a hell of a thing to be able to throw down when you’re at the club. Of course, since he’s married to the gorgeous Elsa Pataky, I think he’s all set.
16. Aaron Rodgers
Aaron Rodgers has sort of quietly snuck up and become the NFL’s new golden boy, hasn’t he? He’s all over the TV with his memorable commercials, and he’s, uh, he’s not so bad at the ol’ day job either. His stats are gaudy and ridiculous, the sort of thing you might expect out of a robot instead of a mere mortal man. He’s got the Packers rolling and in first place, and if all that wasn’t enough, he’s boning Olivia Munn and may even be taking a run at Sloan from Entourage on the side. Good Lord.
15. Jimmy Fallon
No matter what you think of Jimmy Fallon, you can’t deny that he’s running the late night game right now. His show has become a meme factory, stars love him – probably because he just laughs at everything they say like a shameless hyena – and he’s absolutely annihilating the competition everywhere from ratings to number of twitter followers. Like it or not, Fallon won and won big in 2014.
14. Cristiano Ronaldo
Sure, he flamed out in the World Cup, but nobody cares about that anymore. That’s because Ronaldo has blown everyone else away this year in the race for best player in the world. He’s on pace for a ridiculous 66 goals in the Spanish La Liga for Real Madrid, and when he’s not scoring on the pitch, he’s scoring with his girlfriend, supermodel Irina Shayk. Goooooooooooooaaaaaaaaalllllllll!!!
13. Nic Pizzolatto
2014 was the year of True Detective. It made everyone go crazy, and the brilliant, twisted mind behind the whole thing was this dude, Nic Pizzolatto, who created the series and wrote every episode. This was the dude putting all that wild shit in Matthew McConaughey’s mouth, and right now, he’s pretty much working with a blank check in Hollywood.
12. John Legend
His song “All of Me” hit number one and stayed in the top 10 for almost six months, and he pulled the huge pimp move by dedicating the song to his wife and playing it live for her at the fucking Grammys. Oh, and his wife? Chrissy Teigen. That’s not just winning, that’s ripping the spine out of the game Mortal Kombat-style.
11. Dr. Dre
The doctor is always winning the game, but he won 2014 even bigger than usual. That’s because in addition to his successful record label, which features – among others – Eminem and Kendrick Lamar, Dre brought his company, Beats Electronics, to the promised-land, selling Beats by Dre to Apple for a reported $3 billion, which should make him the richest bro in the rap game. Still D.R.E. indeed.