I’m a single man but I’ve already set a list of unwavering guidelines that must be met before I slip a Ring Pop on my future wife’s finger. The list includes, but is not limited to:
- Locking myself in the bathroom while my girlfriend takes a dump. I may even turn the shower on hot so it gets extra steamy–not sure about that nuance yet.
- Surviving a one-on-one conversation with her dad about my five year plan for a minimum of 30 minutes.
- Ask her to sign a contract that says she is completely supportive of my alcohol addiction.
If and when those criteria are met and (if) I still love her, I will drop on a knee right then and there. Who knows, could happen while she’s on the can. You may think I’m crazy, but before I bet half of my wealth on a woman, I’m going to make sure that I can handle the hurdles that are going to be thrown my way for the next 50 years. It’s not crazy, it’s due diligence.
My list of guidelines has only been validated by this 34-year-old man who filed for divorce from his 28-year-old wife after he saw her without makeup for the very first time. The two were engaged for six months and were reportedly married days before he pulled the plug.
According to Mediaite:
The 34-year-old man — who did not want to release his name — went swimming with his 28-year-old wife at the Al Mamzar beach in Dubai. He was reportedly horrified to see her “features change” drastically after the water washed away her make up.
Pretty shitty, huh? Well here’s where the lines get a little blurred. According to Metro UK, he realized that additionally “…she’d had cosmetic surgery and wore false eyelashes and colored contacts” which caused the man to feel “tricked by her artificial beauty.”
A psychologist who spoke with the wife directly after she was dumped said the groom “refused any attempt to reunite them again.”
It’s probably best this asshole divorced his wife as soon as he could because there’s no way he’d last in the hospital room while their newborn baby was crowning.
[h/t Mediaite]