Michael Douglas got cancer from going down on women

Relativity Media

Now we all have an excuse not to do it. We honor your sacrifice, Mike. Of course I’m just kidding around here, but this is serious business. Actor Michael Douglas (most recently seen in HBO’s Behind the Candelabra did an interview with the Guardian this weekend that dropped a pretty terrifying bomb on any dude who likes to dine out at the Y.

In August of 2010, Douglas announced that he was starting chemotherapy for throat cancer, which had advanced all the way to Stage IV – the farthest it gets. This kicked off debilitating treatments to the veteran actor, with the tumor finally being eradicated in January of 2011. Most observers attributed the cancer to Douglas’s history of alcohol abuse, cigarette smoking and massive stress, but the actor believes something different. Something bizarre.

Douglas claims in the interview that the cancer was triggered by HPV, one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases on Earth. Yes, it has been linked to cancers before, but mostly tumors of the cervix and anus. The walnut-sized tumor at the base of Douglas’s tongue, he claims, was caused by muff diving. And, even weirder, he also claims that cunnilingus can cure cancer. Here’s the money quote:

“I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

I don’t think you’ll find a doctor in the world that will agree that eating pussy cures cancer, so maybe this is just something Catherine Zeta-Jones came up with to get a little extra oral loving. Whatever the cause, Douglas has seemingly completely rebounded from his battle with cancer, but you might want to print this article out and give it to your girlfriend. I’m assuming you do that with all of my articles, though.