Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
Looks like George Hamilton ejaculated on Will Arnett's face 🙁 #Emmys
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 23, 2013
Seriously, what the hell was going on there?
The real winners of this year's Emmys are people who died before they could watch them.
— Alison Forns (@alisonforns) September 23, 2013
As is the case with all awards shows.
This year they should have just held the Emmys at a cemetery.
— Mo Rocca (@MoRocca) September 23, 2013
It was a bit maudlin.
— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) September 23, 2013
Or just stop period.
I like being up early, I just don't like getting up early. #finallyfoundthewords
— Jade Bryce (@thejadebryce) September 23, 2013
I hear you, sister.
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) September 23, 2013
Turns out it was actually the NFL, but still…
any girl that tells me she feels under the weather without immediately announcing she's not pregnant, i'm suspicious of.
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) September 23, 2013
He said it, not us.
True or false, Walt Clyde Frasier's father is a crushed velvet suit and his mother is a thesaurus?
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) September 23, 2013
We’re all putting on Nikes and Heaven’s Gating it after the series finale of Breaking Bad, right?
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) September 23, 2013
An animal rights organization is protesting the new Grand Theft Auto … though most prostitute rights organizations, remain oddly silent!
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) September 23, 2013
I wish my stripper name to be Asparagus Pee.
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) September 23, 2013
Bill Nye is gnarly. I'm into him.
— ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) September 24, 2013
Bill Nye and gnarly for the first in the same sentence, ladies and gents!
I now qualify to play 50 and over senior softball.I can definitely hit a softball further than any human 50 and over.try me
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) September 24, 2013
And on it goes…
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 24, 2013
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) September 24, 2013
We have a winner.
It's an honor just to be laminated
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) September 24, 2013
No idea what that means, but it’s funny.
Saying John Mayer is your favorite artist is like saying your favorite color is grey
— Alexandria Morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) September 24, 2013
Now my house is messy because I don't clean it. Does this life have no end to suffering?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) September 24, 2013
Life’s a bitch, then you die, Michael.
Can I get thru one fucking day without seeing pics of @MileyCyrus with her disgusting hog tongue hangin out?
— Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope) September 25, 2013
“I’m a big fan of your work.” = How actors introduce themselves to other actors.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 25, 2013
We should all try that.
Some Christians ain't Christian.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) September 25, 2013
Marvel's Masters of Sex on Showtime this weekend… With Lizzy Caplan reprising her role from Item 47, right? #geekhumor
— Adam Horowitz (@AdamHorowitzLA) September 25, 2013
Now that would be a good show.
Picking up my friend after her colonoscopy was like picking her up after a night of partying. She was delirious, thirsty and just had anal.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 25, 2013
Keith Richards wants the check but God keeps walking past his table.
— Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) September 25, 2013
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second left. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
— Amy Weber (@TherealAmyWeber) September 26, 2013
She’s right, you should try it next time.
When Miley Cyrus got her dream catcher tattoo, was she dreaming of herpes?
— Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) September 26, 2013
Lord only knows.
Stop treating us like infants @CNN. Just kidding. Continue being terrible. It's your nature.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) September 26, 2013
Maybe Miley Cyrus got a tongue transplant from a labrador retriever…
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) September 26, 2013
As good an explanation as any.
Does everyone still hate Anne Hathaway for no reason at all or has the anger moved on to some other innocent successful person?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 26, 2013
No, I think we all pretty much still dislike her.
My mom's answering machine still has the outgoing message I recorded when I was 15. So when I call home, I leave a message with my youth.
— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) September 26, 2013
Say that didn’t make you chuckle.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) September 26, 2013
JIMMY KIMMEL PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES … OH NO THAT MEANS YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TOO MUCH GOOD PUSSY IN YOUR LIFE…
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) September 27, 2013
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) September 27, 2013
It's almost as if Kanye West doesn't realize his girlfriend actually made and distributed porn.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 27, 2013
Maybe he blocked it out of his mind (as he should).
Suck it, Yankees.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) September 26, 2013
Have a great weekend, everybody!