Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
I pocket dialed my boss and the call lasted 2 minutes 32 seconds so brb I'm changing my identity
— Alison Forns (@alisonforns) May 5, 2014
I feel her pain.
I'd wish Audrey Hepburn a happy birthday but I didn't know her personally.
— Elizabeth Gillies (@LizGillies) May 5, 2014
Didn’t you just wish her a happy birthday anyway?
Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody! I know it’s a day early, but typing requires fine motor skills I won’t have tomorrow.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 5, 2014
Hasn’t stopped millions of other Twitter users.
I'm kinda thinking Ben Affleck purposely got caught "counting" cards, it's like if Kim Kardashian was caught "reading" a book.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 5, 2014
Right. Like that would EVER happen.
I feel like Arnold Palmer should have come up with a second, more elaborate drink by now.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) May 5, 2014
Seriously, bro is slacking.
really took my time shaving today! #MetGala
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 5, 2014
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Even though it was unpleasant, I still wish there was video of the spectacular head/cabinet door collision that just happened
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 5, 2014
Don’t worry, someday we’ll all have cameras in our heads.
Serious question: why does botted water have an expiration date?
— Darius Rucker (@dariusrucker) May 5, 2014
So they can sell more of something we can get for free?
every cultural holiday is now just an excuse for white people to drink
— alexandria morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) May 5, 2014
What’s your point, Alexandria?
I can't believe a woman lives with both a husband AND a boyfriend! That chick's got more dicks going into her than the Scientology Center!
— Lisa Lampanelli (@LisaLampanelli) May 5, 2014
Oh no she didn’t.
Did the Oklahoma City Thunder's owner say something horribly racist to his side piece?! The Thunder are playing terrible! What happened!?!?
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) May 6, 2014
Thanks to Hibbert I still may have an NBA career. I scored as many points as he did in 12 minutes while drinking a nice Napa cab.On my couch
— Kevin Nash (@RealKevinNash) May 6, 2014
Another low blow.
Obviously I'm PMSing because I just cried at a shampoo commercial
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) May 6, 2014
Eh, I do that at least once a week.
If you’re white, not Eminem and trying to be a rapper you should just beg people for attention on a street corner.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) May 6, 2014
Trying that tomorrow.
RT if you're now thinking of a really offensive word. Don't say it though. Haha. We got away with it.
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) May 6, 2014
Fuckin’ A right.
"Born To Raise Heck" think about it just as effective, right gang?
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) May 6, 2014
To the guy who just changed the treadmill tv from music videos to antique roadshow, you're lucky I'm in a good mood.
— Katy Perry (@katyperry) May 6, 2014
Don’t make Katy angry. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.
I am more or less okay with everything that doesn't impact me directly.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 6, 2014
That’s the kind of attitude that gets change done!
New York has done a very good job of breaking my prejudice of what type of people I expect to see on Razor scooters.
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) May 6, 2014
Sadly, he did not elaborate.
Rihanna should create her own Instagram. Fuck it. #ristagram
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) May 6, 2014
According to Facebook, if you do a good deed and don't tell everyone about it, it's like you didn't do it at all.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 6, 2014
But Facebook is so great!
Fucked up a tweet. BIG TITTED STICKY SPONGE CHICKS.
— Andrew Dice Clay (@TheRealDiceClay) May 7, 2014
GUN PRO TIP: If you duct tape your gun to an iPhone, it's no longer a firearm, it's legally an app!
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) May 7, 2014
Great life hack!
Sometimes it's better not to read the lyrics to the songs you shake your ass to…
— Syd Wilder (@SydWilder) May 7, 2014
I generally don’t condone grave robbing, but sometimes a guy just needs a new pair of shoes.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 7, 2014
You gotta do what you gotta do.
How come on FaceTime the other person always looks good but you appear ugly as sin?
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) May 7, 2014
How many sleeves of Ritz crackers is too many sleeves of Ritz crackers to eat in one night? Asking for me.
— erinn hayes (@hayeslady) May 7, 2014
I don’t think there’s a limit.
You cannot buy friendship for less than one hundred dollars.
— carl reiner (@carlreiner) May 7, 2014
Is that the minimum amount?
I want to put Monica Lewinsky in a celebrity boxing match need a contact for her
— Damon Feldman (@hollywoodbox11) May 7, 2014
Good luck with that.
time warner i want to hunt you down and fuck your face with a knife until you make my internet work better
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) May 7, 2014
I bet he isn’t the first to say that.
ATTENTION INTERNET: you have exceeded the maximum allowed limit for use of the word "awkward". Please contact your service provider.
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) May 7, 2014
Well, this is awkward.
Got to be out the door at 10:35 am to walk the beach low tide and get some rays tomorrow……ugh!
— Kevin Nash (@RealKevinNash) May 8, 2014
Oh, go to hell..
I just executed a perfect hook shot of my gym clothes into the laundry basket from across the room. #rolemodel
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) May 8, 2014
Just setting the bar for girls everywhere.
Went to new strip club on Sunset "Someone's Daughter." Not so great. Guys keep jumping on stage covering strippers with jackets.
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) May 8, 2014
I think I’ve been to that club.
Serious question: are stupid people and trolls the same? I mean all trolls are stupid. But are all stupid people trolls? #deepthoughts
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) May 8, 2014
I spend most of my days liking on social media. Lots to like.
— Spencer Pratt (@spencerpratt) May 8, 2014
You’re an idiot.
I've no idea why people stare at me like they've never seen a black guy in penile implanted European swim trunks..
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) May 8, 2014
Where can I get a pair of those? Asking for a friend.
Great weather today in Chicago for this off-day. Finally get to go outside to spend some quality time with my phone.
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) May 8, 2014
It’s nice to spend time with your bestie.
Cuntrarians r those who parrot Dicktardian theory due 2 addiction to Dick.
— Roseanne Barr (@therealroseanne) May 8, 2014
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother's Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as fuuuuuuuck
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 8, 2014
Johnny Manziel on the possibility of going to Dallas: "I don't think the world could have handled that, honestly."
— Rachel Nichols (@Rachel__Nichols) May 9, 2014
He has a point.
Here are some words more offensive than cunt: bumph, soz, yummy, serendipity, swag, baby mama, totes, & ass & douche if you're not American
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) May 9, 2014
Wake the fuck up jabroni
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) May 8, 2014
Have a great weekend, everybody!