Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
"Neighbors" tops the box office, attracting people who are tired of thinking, and can't understand microwave popcorn directions. #BrainDead
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) May 12, 2014
These are the same people who loved Grown-Ups 2.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. As does clog dancing.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) May 12, 2014
Deep Thoughts With Josh Malina.
Spew as many "I Love You's" as possible today whether it be friends/strangers. People's initial reaction will put a smile on your/their face
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) May 12, 2014
Plus, it will totally devalue saying “I love you.” Win-win.
I bet snakes are really good at French kissing.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) May 12, 2014
I wish my brain worked like his.
Johnny Manziel has the best selling rookie jersey on NFLShop. #2? Michael Sam.
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) May 12, 2014
My lips are overdrawn to compensate for my lack of giving a shit
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) May 12, 2014
hi, my name is james. i am here to make out with babes and show my penis to strangers. what do you do for a living?
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) May 12, 2014
Nothing that great.
Putin scores 6 goals in 21-4 men's league game. Fuck. I gotta get my own country.
— Denis Leary (@denisleary) May 12, 2014
It certainly does have its perks.
until you like my Instagram photo I'm just going to assume you are mad at me for something I did and I'm not joking
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 12, 2014
I think she’s serious.
Trying to convince my sister to attack Jay Z.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) May 12, 2014
Not if I can get mine to do it first.
Jay Z never should have mentioned he didn't like Scrubs. Some people get super pissed.
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) May 13, 2014
So that’s why Solange gave him a beatdown.
Dicks…in our hands. Dicks….in…our hands.
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) May 13, 2014
Most people get in elevators & pretend to text, hoping to ignore small talk with their fellow man. At least Solange was trying to connect.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) May 13, 2014
Nothing better in life than a woman that I don't know that's 200 lbs overweight telling me short gray hair isn't working for me.
— Kevin Nash (@RealKevinNash) May 13, 2014
That is a high point.
"The only good thing about Lego, is the sound it makes going up the Hoover" My dad is a simple but passionate man
— jim jefferies (@jimjefferies) May 13, 2014
I think I would like his dad.
The only thing more irritating than Donald Sterling being a cunt is Adam Silver continually apologizing for him.
— Jim Norton (@JimNorton) May 13, 2014
Silver’s on lawsuit high alert.
That thing on TV where the one actor played the Clippers' owner and the other guy played Anderson Cooper was pretty dark.
— Kenny Mayne (@Kenny_Mayne) May 13, 2014
That was a fictional show, right? It couldn’t have been real.
Miley Cyrus rode in on a giant inflatable penis at a London concert. This is not news. If she read Anna Karenina onstage, that'd be NEWS!
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) May 13, 2014
She has a point.
I don't mind stepping in gum as long as it's still in the mouth of someone I hate.
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) May 13, 2014
So violent, yet so funny.
Where are all the people who ripped the reffing in the NCAA tourney by saying NBA refs are so much better?
— Seth Davis (@SethDavisHoops) May 14, 2014
Watch Pawn Stars.
in kd's famous mvp acceptance speech he forgot to thank the refs that keep making sure he doesn't get knocked out of the playoffs.
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) May 14, 2014
He’s saving that for his Finals MVP speech.
it's not easy getting old losing ur sight ur memory, hearing nor pooping yourself accidentally & being tired & not knowing how2 turn on TV.
— Roseanne Barr (@therealroseanne) May 14, 2014
And ability to form coherent thoughts.
If kids get money for losing teeth shouldn’t I get something for all the hair I’m losing? Maybe a toasted everything bagel w/ cream cheese?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) May 14, 2014
Would that gift come from The Hair Fairy?
Anybody free to have lunch and converse on various topics with no filter?
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) May 14, 2014
He said this on Twitter.
god dammit when you are annoyed with the douchebag in the car next to you blasting music but you like the song.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 14, 2014
Hate when that happens.
When you stand with your hands under an empty paper towel dispenser, waiting for towels, while the people who work there laugh at you.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) May 14, 2014
Let them have that, they don’t have much else.
Had a dream: hanging w/Justin Bieber before his concert. Watching a Spurs game and old Hannah Montana reruns. Then a dog showed up. #helpme
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) May 15, 2014
I believe that’s the first sign of impending insanity.
When it's this hot, I like to wear a nice light cotton sun dress so I can feel the breeze on my #dadhole.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) May 15, 2014
Twitter is doing this charming thing where it decides to follow people randomly. The machines have become self aware.
— Adam Levine (@adamlevine) May 15, 2014
We knew that day would come.
Whomever is tweeting for Morrissey sucks at it and is ruining all of our early years.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) May 15, 2014
Seriously there’s no way that’s him doing it.
Girls.. there's no Prince Charming but there is a Captain Shithead.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) May 15, 2014
That’s Cap’n Crunch’s distant cousin, right?
What, #Clipper fans classless? Never
— Doug Gottlieb (@GottliebShow) May 16, 2014
Them’s fightin’ words.
— Jim Ross (@JRsBBQ) May 16, 2014
JR has spoken.
I think jack Nicholson is being unfairly blamed for the Clippers' loss.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) May 16, 2014
He brought that bad Lakers juju with him.
I bet sterling is rolling in his grave right now
— josh groban (@joshgroban) May 16, 2014
Some people wish…
the internet is the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to us
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) May 16, 2014
The Solange never have any problem if the Beyonce married the @ThisIsRobThomas
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) May 15, 2014
Have a great weekend everybody!