Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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Not to be too graphic but one time a girl told me my penis felt, "like someone just threw a canned ham inside of me."
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) August 4, 2014
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I think I dated that girl.
Is it #BeyAndJay or #JayAndBey?
— Anjelah Johnson (@anjelahjohnson) August 4, 2014
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It really doesn’t matter.
Update: I now think a raccoon is hot
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) August 4, 2014
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F-ckin’ Cooper…
Still haven't figured out why snapchat is "awesome" yet… Other than sending surprise toilet selfies…
— Alexa PenaVega (@alexavega) August 4, 2014
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Actually you just figured it out.
Almost went back and changed a period into a comma so I wouldn't get attacked grammatically.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) August 4, 2014
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Don’t give in, man.
Never scroll when someone hands you their phone to look at a recent photo. Only .
— Melanie Iglesias (@MelanieIglesias) August 4, 2014
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This is 100% correct.
My day doesn't really start until I've been called a 'racist b?$&*'. Luckily for me, today's affirmations came bright and early. #Tryharder
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) August 4, 2014
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That’s the spirit!
"the DO NOT DISTURB sign is MADE to fall off, when closing the door"
but "Big Housekeeping" doesnt want you to know
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) August 4, 2014
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He’s right, you know?
I shouldn't be chastised or denied a loan just because I have a very big & good round ass.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 4, 2014
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It’s not fair for any of us, really.
Sometimes I think "I need to think before I speak" and then other times I think "I shouldn't leave the house or interact with people ever."
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) August 4, 2014
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Who hasn’t?
Still working on my bands name. What do y'all think about "DNA Smoothie"…?
— Blake Shelton (@blakeshelton) August 5, 2014
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Keep trying.
deleted Fb 4 now,had 700k fans but my post only reached like6% they want u2pay2 post! 3things should be free sex,water,and 2 post things
— Quinton Jackson (@Rampage4real) August 5, 2014
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No argument here.
“you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like crap"
— Amy Weber (@TherealAmyWeber) August 5, 2014
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But I am tired.
Krispy Kreme tweeted me, I'm famous…
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) August 5, 2014
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The bar for being famous has been lowered a little.
do any of u moms see their bodies just not the same? a different shape? ughhhh my hips & butt are huge now! they were big to begin with!
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) August 5, 2014
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Nope, Kim, just you.
I hope Chris Pratt hires someone to slap all those rom-com scripts out of his hands.
— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) August 5, 2014
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Right there with you.
My brother is in hipster denial. He has a beard, a top knot, and used the word "purist" in sentence I didn't understand.
— Anjelah Johnson (@anjelahjohnson) August 5, 2014
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Move on, he’s a lost cause now.
I love that all these solo assist ball returning sports devices literally imply you can't find a single friend to play with you.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) August 5, 2014
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Good thing I totally don’t own any of those.
Guy just sat right next to me in one of the comfy leather Starbucks chairs as if the fact that it's empty means he can use it.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 5, 2014
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People can be so rude.
If cold diarrhea came out of me there's a 100% chance I'd have a heart attack
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) August 6, 2014
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Thanks for the mental image, Sarah.
The sexual energy in London is off the charts since I got here.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) August 6, 2014
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The same thing happens when I go there too.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I'm the one who put him on a leash.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) August 6, 2014
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She kind of has a point here.
In general, men are gigantic pussies.
-Susan B Anthony
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) August 7, 2014
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Her history book is different than mine was.
To anyone in that Russian crime ring that stole all those passwords: can you help me get into my Pinterest account?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 7, 2014
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Seriously. I have a few I need too.
If I were president, I would never go on vacation or do any press dinner fun stuff but always talk about it so I would seem like a hero.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) August 7, 2014
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Genius.
A watched software update never downloads
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) August 7, 2014
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This is true.
Any story that starts with "So I was sitting there minding my own business" will quickly be about not minding their own business.
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) August 7, 2014
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Thisis also true.
congrats to andrew wiggins on winning the real lottery… not having to live in cleveland.
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) August 7, 2014
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He said it, not me.
In the work place, the only thing worse than things being done 100% wrong 100% of the time are things being done 80% right 100% of the time
— Rob Lowe (@RobLowe) August 7, 2014
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Wait. Is this that “fuzzy math” people used to talk about?
If you ever see me snoring loudly on a plane you have my permission to suffocate me. Please RT.
— Jeff Ross (@realjeffreyross) August 8, 2014
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Understandable request.
Happy people are indisputably dumb.
— Dino Stamatopoulos (@DinosThirdTwitt) August 8, 2014
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True?
My writing process is just to always wear swimming trunks and then let the magic flow from there.
— Hannibal Buress (@hannibalburess) August 8, 2014
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Makes perfect sense to me.
Hello @selenagomez how are your turkey tits?
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) August 7, 2014
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Have a great weekend, everybody!