OkCupid Ranked America’s Top Colleges By Things We Actually Care About–Sex, Drugs, And Masturbation

by 3 years ago

So U.S. News & World Report recently released the 2016 edition of America’s Top Colleges. This list is useful if you care about academics and reeding and your future and all that trivial shit.

But what about the rest of us who are more concerned with sex, drugs, drinking, and living for the HERE AND NOW? Well, thankfully, the online dating site OkCupid has done God’s work and crunched some of the data in its system to rank America’s most prestigious schools in the following categories: Attractiveness, Partying, and Sex Drive.

You can find OkCupid’s complete list of findings HERE, but if you’re as lazy as I am, find the Sparknotes version below.

Top 5 Most Attractive

  1. Yale
  2. Vanderbilt University
  3. Brown University
  4. Duke University
  5. Washington University in St. Louis

Notes: Yale students are 8.9% more attractive than the average US college student.

Top 5 Party Schools

  1. Brown University
  2. University of California-Berkeley
  3. Washington University in St. Louis
  4. University of Chicago
  5. Northwestern University

Notes: 58.6% of Brown students smoke marijuana and 91.1% drink.  72% of the Brown Bears are willing to have sex on the first date. *Frantically swipes right on Tinder on Brown campus*

Top 5 Sex-Driven Schools

  1. Yale
  2. Brown University
  3. Duke University
  4. University of Chicago
  5. Columbia University

Notes: Yale is the most sex-driven school on the list. 57% of students claim that their sex drives are higher than average and 44% masturbate at least once a day.

OkCupid’s takeaway:

If we had an OkCupid ranking of best all-around-school, Yale would be it. Top-notch education with the most attractive students who really like to drink and smoke up. 62.5% of George W. Bush’s alma mater enjoy big, crazy parties. And when they’re not scoring on the first date, they masturbate all the time.

I knew I should have gone to Yale. How dare they pass up on me and my 3.1 GPA. But PSA to Yale students: hit me up if you’re looking for some sticky shit. Not jizz, you chronic masturbators, WEED. Sickos.


TAGSCollegeCollege rankingsOKCupidRankings