The Five Girls You’ll Fall for in College

 Don’t lie to yourself. At some point in your (hopefully very lucrative) college career, you’re going to run into some members of the female persuasion that you like better than others. A lot better. And while no two of these lovely ladies will be alike (unless you pull off the twin sister move of the century…in which case you should be with them now and not reading this. GO!) there are certain recurring themes that every breaux will find in their choice of partner. 

The following five types of girls exist for the sole purpose of teaching us a lesson. I don’t know what that lesson is just yet, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out and be bitter about it in ten years.

1. The “Dirty Little Secret”

     You met this girl at party because she’s a friend of a friend. You took her to Pound Town because hey, she was there and you were hunched. Unfortunately, while you were enjoying your beverage, you neglected to find out just how close this circle of friends is. You gambled and lost and now she’s in your dorm every third day saying profound things like “I’m sooooo tired” while shoving her face into the crook of your arm like she knows you or something….and damn if you don’t like it. It’s easy, it’s there, and as long as you aren’t chasing another tail, you’re comfortable. You don’t even like her, yet this is the one you don’t talk about with the dudes on your floor, she’s a dirty little secret. And I mean dirty. 

2. The Dime with the Boyfriend Back Home

You are unquestionably, irreversibly, in love with this girl. Don’t even think about denying it. You met her through some stroke of dumb luck and now you become the embodiment of the over-used heart-eyes emoji that every white girl holds near and dear to her heart whenever you so much as catch a glimpse of that perfectly toned figure or hear her utter the word “orgo.” Sure, you’d give this girl free rides on the slamboni for a lifetime even if it meant never being able to see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but she’s much more than that. Someday this girl will discover how great you are. So great that you’ll even swallow your pride and give her a foot rub without asking her to swallow your pride in return. And then comes the day when she mentions her boyfriend back home in the middle of nowhere who she’s been with forever. But don’t worry my brethren, there is still hope. For you are here, and he is there. And he is there because he was too dumb to get into here. 

This girl is the ultimate test of patience. This one’s on you. If you’re man enough to let your heartstrings be pulled by this girl for years, you can have her. At some point she will look around and realize that there are guys out there a million times more interesting and successful than her boy back home. And guess who’s the most available? You are. However, this leads us to….

3. The Dime with the Boyfriend Here

 This one. Oh this one. She’s incredible. She’s the whole package. And what do we call these girls? Taken. Not Liam Neeson “Taken”. Like “Spoken For” taken. You’ve even met her boyfriend. And he’s awesome. He probably even has a swanky South African accent. You look at her, then you look at him, and you just mentally nod and say “Okay. Yep. Alright. I get it.” You seriously can’t even be mad. I’m sorry but there’s nothing to be done for this one. 

Don’t wallow in your tears too long, though. There is a glorious silver lining to this otherwise dreary cloud. Be her friend, be his friend, and suddenly you have a powerful ally: The Wingcouple. This delightful duo is now entirely on your side, dishing out positive reviews left and right to all of their friends. Now look at you. You’ve moved from Worst to First. There is no word a girl trusts more than that of her Wifed-Up friend. If anyone knows about companionship, its her. So I say enjoy these fine college coeds, but be sure you live up to your proud reputation. 

4. The Dime that You Prepare for Like it’s the BCS championship

Look at her eating her pear halves in the dining hall, isn’t she adorable? Yes she’s adorable, (adorable and single,) and you would love to go over there and sweep her off her feet with some stellar line like “So, you like pears, huh?” Killed it, dude. But you won’t do it. You’re smarter than that (I hope). You know you’ve only got one shot at this damsel. No, no, this will take some careful strategy. Thankfully, you have a totally legit clan in Call of Duty so you know a thing or two about strategy. 

In business, as in dating gorgeous women, it’s part who you know and part what you know. Make use of the former. By the law of six-degrees-of-separation, someone you know is at least acquainted with her. If that person is truly your friend, they will get your foot in the door somehow. This is where the “what you know” comes in to play. You’re on your own now, bud. Take a deep breath, remain calm, say “Hello”, and be yourself. Who do you know better than that? If you rehearse your lines, you’ll crash and burn as soon as she deviates from your script. Be genuine. You’ll get a better result every time…unless she’s rotten to the core and in that case, on to better things. 

5. The Mature One.

There isn’t another way to describe this girl. Sure she’s beautiful just like all the others, but the similarities end there. She doesn’t laugh at stupid jokes, she doesn’t play games, and she most certainly does not take selfies. She’s smart (scary smart), driven, and downright intimidating…in a ScarJo kind of way. This isn’t a matter of whether you’re on your “A” game or not. If you put up any front, she’ll pierce right through it and rip you to shreds. And she’ll call you out on it, too. Nothing quite like getting your face and ego bruised. 

At some point,(hopefully sooner rather than later), you need to realize that this girl is totally in control. If you have a problem with that, then I assume you were either born 1953 or jerk off to Mad Men. There isn’t a damn thing you can do other than present yourself with every ounce of confidence you possess and shove your ego to the back burner. Ultimately, it will be up to her if she accepts you or not. If she does, you’ve hit the jackpot. If she doesn’t, then at the very least you’ve established yourself as an ethical and upstanding person to her. She’ll remember that. The last thing you want is to make her your enemy. 

That’s all for me. Study hard. Do what you love.