Here Are The Nation’s Top 25 Colleges With The Highest-Paid Graduates, Because Money Can Buy Happiness

I’m not a smart man. But it doesn’t take a smart man to graduate college. All it takes is the bare minimum and the ability to decipher a scantron answer sheet from 3-5 feet away. And if I were a superhero, ScanTron would be my name because I was an answer assassin. I could memorize a full scantron sheet from someone smarter than me in the time it takes the average teacher to say ‘eyes on your own paper.’

And I graduated. With honors a drinking problem. And post-grad, I was hit with the big unforgiving dick of reality. Here are a three things that I can teach you that you’ll never learn in the confines of a classroom.

  1. Everything you’ve ever learned in an academic setting is erased from your memory when you throw your graduation cap in the air. Don’t fret, an iPhone and reliable internet access can make a genius out of anyone.
  2. If 20+% of your resume is real life achievements, lie more. Your resume should contain about as much truth as a Pixar movie.
  3. Money problems are soul-crushing. Don’t worry about “changing the world” and “following your passions” and “doing good work.” Remember, we all just a little specs of dust in the wind whose perceived accomplishments won’t even be registered by the universe. Just make money so you can live easy, take your mom on vacations, and do cool shit.

With that said, here is a list of America’s 25 colleges whose undergrads get paid the most 10 plus years out of college. Via Payscale:

T-24. Colgate, $113,000
T-24. Rice University, $113,000
T-22. Georgetown University, $114,000
T-22. Colorado School of Mines, $114,000
21. University of Chicago, $115,000
20. Brown University, $116,000
T-17. Occidental College, $117,000
T-17. Clarkson University, $117,000
T-17. Stevens Institute of Technology, $117,000
T-13. Bates College,  $119,000
T-13. Dartmouth College, $119,000
T-13. Duke University, $119,000
T-13. Carnegie Mellon University, $119,000
12. Santa Clara University, $121,000
11. Babson College, $122,000
10. Harvard University, $123,000
T-8. University of Pennsylvania, $124,000
T-8. United States Air Force Academy, $124,000
7. United States Naval Academy, $125,000
6. United States Military Academy at West Point, $126,000
5. Stanford University, $127,000
T-3. Princeton University, $131,000
T-3. Harvey Mudd College, $131,000
2. MIT, $134,000
1. SUNY — Maritime College, $144,000

Hm. Funny. My alma mater–The University of Mary Washington–didn’t make the list. That may explain why I can’t even afford deodorant.

[h/t Total Frat Move]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.