What A Bro’s College Major Says About Him


You can glean a hell of a lot about a Bro based on what his major in college is or was. Let’s get to stereotyping, shall we?

The Finance Major 

This is the guy who keeps the fraternity out of trouble with money. He didn’t ask to become treasurer, but was rather appointed to the position. He’s forthright in his intentions (basically yelling at everyone to pay their fucking dues) because college hasn’t morally bankrupted him yet. He may or may not actually go to any of his finance classes, you never really see him study, and somehow he crushes every exam he takes. One day he will take over his dad’s winery or something.

The Computer Science Major 

CS majors come in all shapes and sizes. There are the ones who have long greasy hair and never see the light of day, and there are the well-spoken lads whom you would never guess enjoying programming in their free time. One look inside this dude’s room will tell you all you need to know about him. His desk has so many monitors on it that you might think he works for the NSA. If someone mentions a technical problem, everyone groans because they know he is going to answer. He may hang out with long haired guys who LARP on the weekends, but what sets him apart from them is that he is blessed with the gift of being able to converse with other human beings.

The International Affairs Major

The best example of this type of guy is my tall Persian friend Alan. He is highly intelligent and extremely well spoken. A direct descendent of many powerful men in Iran, he has a commanding stride and an aura of confidence that most human beings do not possess. The thing about Alan is that girls flock to him. I have seen girls turn around and eyefuck him mercilessly while holding hands with their boyfriends. Boyfriends! International affairs must scream “c’mere babe, let me wow the shit out of you with some stories.” I personally don’t get it.

The Engineer

They work harder than you and simply do not give a fuck. Most guys gave up trying to be an engineer early on in college and these guys stuck with it. While you’re off struggling to complete your history essay, they are doing calculus based physics like it is their job (because it will be one day). But they are some of the most helpful bastards you’ll ever encounter. They’ll help you fix your bong when it breaks and will probably do your math homework when you’re in a pinch. They know they are going to make a fuckload of money some day, so they don’t often complain about their workload. Rightfully so.

The Pre-Med Major

He studies. A lot. Sometimes you feel like the only time you see him is in the library, where he is studying for something that you can barely pronounce. He’s probably incredibly involved with clubs on campus, and could even be an athlete. When you start to think of the other pre-med majors you know, you begin to realize that they have it all together in a way that you wish you could.

The I-Don’t-Know Major

He’s been in college since Bush was president and nobody is really sure how old he is. He can be found at the bar most nights of the week, and wandering around the library late at night jacked up on amphetamines studying for some weird class you’ve never heard of. Last time you checked, his major was Zoology but for all anyone knows it could be Spanish by now. He’s an incredibly enjoyable fellow to be around, albeit a huge disappointment to his parents. One day he will have children that he will drunkenly yell at during their peewee football games, like a true champion.

You can follow more of Jake Alexander’s nonsense on Twitter – @callmeshitto