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“Arguing that you don’t care about the right to privacy because you have nothing to hide, is no different than saying you don’t care about free speech because you have nothing to say.” – Edward Snowden
Americans are being watched — all of us — and at all times, too. It doesn’t matter whether you are driving to work, going to the store, or stumbling out of the bar at 3 am, there are eyes on you at all times. You can be a Democrat, a Republican, or a transgender, atheist Anarchist suffering from bipolar disorder and daddy issues. Big Brother doesn’t discriminate. The sinister clutches of the government won’t allow us to have any privacy anymore. We learned this when Edward Snowden spilled his guts years ago.
They’ve got cameras in every dark corner of our lives, bypassing all of that Fourth Amendment mumbo-jumbo by selling surveillance as a way to protect public safety. But the concept has spiraled out of control, and Uncle Sam has since dipped his crusty toe into a toilet of prophecies brought to life by Huxley in Brave New World. We The People are now being monitored hundreds of times each week, a new study suggests. That’s right, kids, Americans are being videoed more than some starry-eyed teen with a YouTube channel.
So smile when you step outside this morning because rest assured, some faceless spy is eagerly waiting to get all up in your business.
Researchers at Safety.com have determined that the average American is caught on security cameras roughly 230 times each week. They’ve found this happens 14 times around your neighborhood, 160 times on the road, 40 times at work, and 24 times while out shopping. So you might want to think twice about touching your wiener or doing anything too embarrassing while outside. Or else you might unwittingly become the next internet sensation. I mean, we’ve seen girls post a series of horrific text messages on their social media pages that some poor schlub has sent them, so don’t think for a second that the security footage of you scratching your dong while taking the dog out for a poo isn’t fair game. Nothing is sacred anymore, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing!
I found this out the hard way over the summer.
That’s when a buddy of mine started circulating a humiliating video of me to all of our friends. It seems that his doorbell cam caught me taking a leak outside one night after we had been out drinking. I didn’t even know he had a doorbell cam. But sure as shit, the video shows me stumbling around by the bushes, and at one point, I nearly smashed my face against the side of his house with my pecker dangling out of my pants. It’s something that happens to all of us. Only most of these embarrassing moments are never caught on video. He just thought it was the funniest display of drunken lunacy he had ever seen, so he sent the clip to everyone we know so that they, too, could get a laugh. It was awful. I started getting texts from people I hadn’t talked to in years asking if I was okay and whether I wanted to go to an AA meeting. I was mortified, to say the least, and in retrospect, I probably should have gone to his house and smashed that doorbell with a baseball bat. Talk about some ding-dong ditch.
Now, I’ve got PTSD (Post Traumatic Surveillance Disorder), and I always feel like I’m being watched.
As it turns out, I probably am.
Security is a phenomenon that has really picked up steam over the past decade. Hell, nobody ever had doorbell cams and other sneaky detection devices back in the day. It made it easy to get away with all of those Halloween pranks. And even if you did get caught in the act, there was never any video evidence to help those sad sacks make a case.
“No, mom, I wasn’t anywhere near Mr. Johnson’s house.”
Nope, if a homeowner caught a bunch of kids soaping his windows and TP’ing his trees, that bastard was forced to chase them down through the streets, cornfields, and anywhere else their adrenaline-jolted feet would take them if he wanted them to clean it up. These days, the American geezer is lazy. The moment that somebody farts wrong, you had better believe there is somebody somewhere reviewing the footage.
It has taken all the fun out of mischief.
Don’t expect it to get any better either.
Last year, a HIS Markit report predicted that more than a billion surveillance cameras would be active worldwide by 2021. Although most of these digital eyes were destined for China, the United States is well on its way to dabbling in communism. There is already one camera for every five people in the United States, according to a recent report from CBS News. So Big Brother figures why not ramp it up a notch and ensure that every man, woman, and child in America gets their own. Kim Jong Un would be proud!
Most of the population assumes that they live free, and nobody anywhere is interested in them, their boring lives or activities. But they would be dead wrong. The government, the city, your friends, all of them want to see what you’re doing at all times. They want to know how fast you’re driving, what you’re doing on the sidewalk and, as we learned from my personal experience, they might also want to watch you piss in the bushes.
Americans are naïve about how much they are actually under surveillance here in the so-called Land of the Free. Studies have shown that most are under the impression that we only encounter around five cameras on most days. The reality is that dozens of them are recording us each time we step outside. So zip up, comb your hair, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Because if you screw up, somebody is going to see it.