The day after a high school me saw The Girl Next Door in 2004, I locked myself in my parents basement and penned a love letter to actress Elisha Cuthbert. Must’ve been no less than 1,000 words–600 declaring Elisha the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen, 200 attempting to demonstrate my wit and charisma, and 200 admitting that if my classmates found out about the letter, I’d be forced to cut my underwear before school so the wedgies would be less painful.
The pain of the wedgies would surely be less intense than the fact that Elisha never responded.
I would later find out that she had been engaged to another man, before breaking it off an eventually settling down with NHL guy Dion Phaneuf. NHL guy or pothead blogger. It must’ve been an impossible decision for her.
I’ve since learned to leave the shot-shooting to esteemed gentlemen who actually have a shot at success and who haven’t been wearing the same underwear since Bush was in office.
Take Anthony Beauvillier for instance.
The 22-year-old Islanders forward has been feeling himself since having a stellar season thus far (22 points in 35 games) for an Islanders team with the third-best record in the league (23-9-3).
This, my friends, is what we call in the industry a ‘HEAT CHECK.’
Former Islanders defensemen Bruno Gervais made an attempt to push his buddy over the finish line.
Twitter folks, who mainly jump on the opportunity to call a stranger a c*nt, banded together to try to make this unlikely union a reality.
At the time of this writing, Anna has yet to respond. Chin up, Anthony. I’ve been there, bro.