Enraged Anti-Masker Carried Out Of Supermarket By Son After Claiming Safety Is For Sissies Is Content For The Soul

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Today, after watching the clip you’re about to watch, I called my father and told him I loved him.

I said I’m sorry I overreacted when he insisted on chaperoning the 8th grade dance and pumped his dad fists at Baha Men’s 2000 smash hit Who Let The Dogs Out. It took 20 years to admit he was not the reason I faked a stomach ache and hid in the bathroom during Stairway To Heaven while Bobby Sorrentino danced cheek-to-cheek with Stephanie Jacobson, but it was merely overwhelming adolescent insecurity exacerbated by a nickel-sized forehead pimple.

I hope that after watching this Tucson, Arizona father throw a temper tantrum in a supermarket because safety is for sissies, you too will acquire a newfound respect for your pops.

First, let’s address the elephant in the room. It appears someone soiled themselves at the 36-second mark.

As easy as it is to mock this looney toon, I wish God gifted me half the blind confidence to call someone a beta while being hauled out of a supermarket by my teenage son like a female contestant greeting The Bachelor for their first one-on-one. Sadly, irrational conviction is rewarded in this society, it’s why Alex Jones lives in a mansion in Austin and I live in a one-bedroom in Boston with lazy plumbing and no natural light.

The best time to tell you dad you love him is now, folks.





Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.