The Bagel Boss Guy Has A YouTube Channel Devoted To All His Public Meltdowns And I Have No Words

by 1 year ago

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What is there left to be said about overnight sensation Bagel Boss Guy? He is a viral machine, amassing over 20 million views for his fight against the seldom discussed phenomenon of height discrimination.

In a week, Bagel Boss Guy will be a thing of the past, and the internet, as it does, will move on to more pressing topics like whether air conditioning is sexist. But, not today. We must hold onto Bagel Boss Guy’s magic like the metal handle of a roller coaster BBG is not permitted to ride.

The intrepid people of the internet have uncovered a YouTube account created by Bagel Boss Guy that documents all the injustices against him. It is a wild fucking ride, but I have linked to a few “Greatest Hits,” if you will.

Title: Fat fuck at Grizzlies Bar in Bay Shore

Context: A familiar theme. Bagel Boss Guy calls out an entire bar during a Jets game, alleging patrons–including a dude who he seems to be buddies with–ripped him over his height. He responds by calling the portly fella an “ugly fat fuck” to level the playing field.

Verdict: If I were a Jets fan I’d probably be this angry all the time too.

Title: Neighbor threatens to punch the shit out of me

Context: Bagel Boss Guy admits to the authorities that he threw a fishing cooler in the woods (a crime), and was called out by a neighbor. He then claims that the neighbor confronted him and threatened to “punch the shit outta ya.”

Verdict: Bagel Boss Guy followed through with the man’s request and picked up the cooler and put it in his van. Threatening physical violence after complying seems excessive by a man twice BBG’s size.

Title: Harassed by 7/11 worker part 1

Context: 7/11 worker asks how tall BBG is when he’s only trying to buy a coffee and a doughnut. Stop me if you heard this before, but BBG does not handle this well.

Verdict: Both men shoulder some of the blame here. The 7/11 man should not have belittled (literally) a paying customer, and BBG should have acted like the guy dropped his penis in his coffee. Call me crazy, but  I’m starting to think BBG cannot be reasoned with.

Title: Ghetto hoodrat cuts in front of me to use bathroom

Context: Woman with small child allegedly cuts in front of Bagel Boss Guy in line for the bathroom at a department store. Bagel Boss Guy does not like this. Bagel Boss Guy needs to speak to a manager. When his request isn’t immediately granted, BBG devolves into spewing hurtful stereotypes about the woman’s financial situation.

Verdict: Deplorable racist taunts aside, there are some shits that just can’t wait.

*****

Bagel Boss Guy either needs to be locked up or needs a new reality show on TLC.

 

Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.

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