There’s not one person reading this who hasn’t been on a dry spell so lengthy, you’d never thought it’d end. The winter of 2015 was so desolate for me, I needed to take allergy medication from the dust accumulating on my sad, limp noodle. It was a dark time. Closed off communication with nearly everyone I hold dear. Started lashing out at cab drivers and people who hold umbrellas on sunny days. Just wasn’t myself.
This video that is in the early stages of going mega-viral is what happens when the winter of 2015 turns into spring, and fall, and summer, and that process repeats for 50 years until you find yourself in a bagel shop picking fights with random strangers because no one wants to fuck you.
In under one minute, lets count how many pathetic things this dude revealed about himself while puffing out his chest.
1.) He’s unfuckable.
2.) He’s so unfuckable that women want him dead.
3.) He’s a middle-aged man who openly admits to being heavily influenced by his father.
4.) He’s a middle-aged man who openly admits to being heavily influenced by his boss.
5.) “Go ahead and attack me” is a loser’s mentality. “Go ahead and fight me” implies an equal playing field with no predetermined winner. Attacking implies a predetermined victim. Might have just as well said, “Go ahead and overpower me using your superior brute strength before I roll up in the fetal position and suck my thumb.”
UPDATE: WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE AFTERMATH!
I’m going to employ the Louis C.K. ‘Of course…but maybe‘ bit here.
OF COURSE this dude deserved to be laid out on the Bagel Boss carpet for berating the entire staff and physically challenging everyone in the store.
BUT MAYBE we should listen to what he’s saying. He is openly admitting to being a victim of heightism. He reveals that he is a God-fearing man who also has a cohesive relationship with his father and is obedient to his boss. The only crime he’s guilty of is having the itch and not having anyone to scratch it. And that’s something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.