Bride-To-Be Blasts Fiancé For Buying Laughably Tiny Engagement Ring That Looks Straight Out Of A Store Brand Cracker Jack Box


The average American spends $6,324 on engagement rings. For perspective, that money could buy you a Popeyes chicken sandwich every day for four years. Or 486 cases of Natty Lite. Or a new girlfriend.

One revolutionary man, in the face of imminent public scrutiny, decided to buck the trend of spending exorbitant amounts of money on something not one human female can tell is real or fake and get his fiancee a ring so tiny, it makes any hand look like Andre The Giant’s.

Hey, on the bright side, she can use the ring to dislodge food from her teeth, which is a more practical use than 99.99% of lavish engagement rings.

It’s almost impossible to not shit on this dude for buying a ring with a diamond the size of ballpoint pen tip, but one could argue that it’s better to be cheap than a sucker.

I typed ‘engagement rings’ into Google shopping and these were the first four results that popped up. $13k. Ok. Don’t get nearly enough blowies for that.

This is why when my girlfriend complains about women making 70 cents for every male dollar, I remind her that engagement rings are the make whole. That is why I sleep on the couch three times a week.

Let’s tune in to the online debate surrounding the controversial topic.


That would be a genius breakup tactic. Leverage her materialism to escape without blood on your hands. I’ll keep this in mind.

“Some women want the diamond watch. Other women value the time.”

As my lady tells me when I get insecure, size doesn’t matter.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.