Thanks To An Uppity White Lady In NYC’s Central Park, Stepping Inside Six Feet Is Now Assault

by 4 months ago

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This video went viral yesterday. Sparknotes: a black guy was peacefully birding in Central Park when he saw a woman walking her dog off leash. He asked her to leash up, she said no, he started filming her, she flipped out, called the police, told them a black guy was attacking her, and once again white women have set back race relations another ten years.

Quick tip for women, and I’m sorry if this is mansplaining but let’s say I leave the gender box blank on medical forms: if you see a dude — ANY DUDE — in a park, in a khaki vest with 4,000 pockets, wearing binoculars around his neck, studying a laminated chart covered in bird species, in cargo shorts, Tevas with socks, and a fanny pack with a water bottle holster? That’s not your guy. That’s not the dude you want to tangle with. Apologize for having your dog off leash like an asshole and head the other way. You will not win this battle.

You think Christian Cooper wasn’t prepared for this? Listen to his voice. The guy has been WAITING for some Karen to step to him like this. I’m not saying he’s an opportunist because he’s completely in the right, but he was definitely aware of what was unfolding. When he says “please call the cops. PLEASE call the cops,” you can almost hear the excitement in his voice. He knows EXACTLY what’s happening. When I lost my virginity, I spoke the same way—voice nearly cracking, hands trembling, trying desperately to maintain a level tone but your heart is beating 1000bpm and your brain is bellowing that submarine siren ahWOOOOgah ahWOOOgah IT’S FUCKING HAPPENING! IT’S REALLY HAPPENING!!!! 

These are tense times, for sure. Nobody wants smoke right now. Nobody wants a kerfuffle. You just don’t know who you’re dealing with out in these mean streets. You don’t know if someone is going to spit in your eyeball or spray fart on your lasagna while you’re tying your shoes. But this particular incident cracked open a new can of worms:

NYTimes– At one point Ms. Cooper, wearing a face mask, lunges toward Mr. Cooper, a behavior that some who viewed the video have called an assault, because of the violation of social distancing that occurs.

Is entering someone’s six-foot space bubble… assault? Will this be the new norm? Because if that’s true, then every movie theater, airplane, comedy club, concert venue, high school auditorium, and outrigger canoe race are the new octagons. You step in to one of these previously safe spaces, it’s an act of war. And as someone who hates social activity more than anything in the world, I’m all for it. Let us morph into a society that leaves each other completely alone, that stays out of each other’s hair. Ignore thy neighbor will be the new commandment.

Anyone who violates these zoning ordinances? Well, let’s leave that dickhead for the birds.

Senior Editor at BroBible and co-host of Oops the Podcast

TAGSafrican americanamy cooperblackCentral ParkkarenRacerace relations