If there is one thing that we can all agree on, it’s that college is good for getting tore down night after night and seeing who can keep it together. Without any question, only the strongest will survive these institutions of the hammered and not get themselves spit out into the gutters, doomed to live out the rest of their days eating out of the cafeteria dumpster. It is boot-camp for the depraved. It’s like, boy, if you think it’s tough getting to class with a hangover so wicked that your pulse feels like someone is using Morse Code to type out your Last Will and Testament, then how do you expect to make it in the real world? Well, a lot of them don’t. Some students have apparently figured out that they simply cannot keep up with the pursuit of drunkenness, the spins, public intoxication charges and the occasional morning after with puke breath and also, believe it or not, get the first-rate education that mommy and daddy worked so hard to pay for. So, some of these studious fiends are ditching alcohol and going all in on marijuana in hopes of steering clear of the American downtrodden for as long as humanly possible.
Indeed, a new study finds that more college students are partying with weed instead of booze. It may be the first sign that college life is about to show more class and a little less ass in the celebratory raucous that is coming of age. Researchers at Oregon State University say that after rolling up their sleeves to see how students were getting intoxicated in this day and age, they were pleasantly surprised to learn that more of them were getting stoned instead of binge drinking. At least this was the case in states where the herb of all highness is legal to buy for adults 21 and over.
The study, which was published in the latest journal Addiction, shows that college students were 18 percent more likely to get down on the doobie in states where weed is legal. That much could not be said for areas of prohibition, where dorm room dregs and other godless scholars continue to drink in excess.
Still, researchers say that, for the most part, binge drinking is down even in states where marijuana is not available.
“So in these two studies we saw changes after legalization that really differed by substance,” explained lead researcher David Kerr, director of graduate education at Oregon State University’s School of Psychological Science. “For marijuana, we saw state-specific increases that went beyond the nationwide increases, whereas binge drinking was the opposite: a greater decrease in the context of nationwide decreases.”
Although this evolution in crapulence may not sound strange to some folks, it is nevertheless pretty fucking odd. I mean, since the dawn of time, people have always gravitated toward a bottle of the old bracer for fun, therapy or just something to do while watching sports. “I can’t wait until I turn 21,” said every greasy whippersnapper from Deadhorse, Arkansas to Blue Ball, Delaware (real places, by the way) who’s ever dreamed of a time when they could finally buy themselves a beer.
But this trend is slowly approaching its deathbed, if the latest study holds any weight. The youth, perhaps after years of watching their parents act like raging, turd-hurling imbeciles after getting a few cocktails in them, is now making a move to abandon their drunken heritage, opting for marijuana instead. Still, researchers are not exactly sure why more college students are losing interest in the drink.
Listen, it’s not supernatural. Marijuana is now legal in a manner similar to alcohol in 11 states across the nation. And there is so much noise reverberating throughout the media these days with respect to legalization that what was once a no-no drug is now a novelty of sorts fighting for a position inside the grooves of American commerce. Alcohol has been taking a hit for the past several years. Now, there’s this whole non-alcoholic cocktail fad that is taking shape all over the place where people are enjoying a bar setting without the booze. We’re not saying we understand it, but this is apparently where more of the younger generations are heading when they go out for a night on the town. Hey, cool, whatever. In choosing this route, there are no more brutal hangovers to contend with or any of the other clown shoe-inspired consequences that often fester to the surface when alcohol is involved. But the thing is, and this is really important, there’s no buzz either. So, of course, the people averse to alcohol, those who aren’t crazy enough to completely forego the head change, are finding marijuana is an excellent alternative.
All in all, the results of the latest study are excellent news for a drunken nation. Because, if we’re honest, it is going to shit one barstool calamity at a time. Some of the latest federal data, published just weeks ago, shows that alcohol-related deaths are at an all-time high in the United States. There are now around 73,000 people snuffed out every year from liver failure, various cancers and all kinds of the dumb ass, drunken accidents that people like to film and post on YouTube.
That’s more death than what is caused by the opioid crisis, more death than meth, and more than the combined kill toll of everyone who gets taken out every year from lawnmower and skateboarding accidents, constipation, and just falling out of bed. Sweet Jesus, it’s a dangerous world out there, and some of us continue to tempt fate one sip at a time. And while we have a lot to learn about the long-term effects of marijuana, that’s for sure, it still appears to cause less harm than booze.
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