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Waves of gluttony have a way of crashing down all around a man after a long night of drinking. We’re not talking about the kind of pussy-fist cocktail sippin’ that some guys sit through on date night in order to get their cold fish of a girlfriend to go down on them on the ride home.
The level of drinking we’re preaching right here is a psychosocial event whereby a six pack of beer is knocked back at home prior to catching an Uber down to the local shit town tavern, and the next several hours are spent sucking down shot after blackout shot to compensate for there being no woman at home to so much as pony up a hand job at the end of the night.
But that’s okay.
Somewhere around midnight, hours before the first wave of the whiskey pukes comes hurling to the surface, the emptiness in every sad boy’s black heart is usually overcome by a ravenous feeling in his guts that causes him to pick up the next best thing to someone willing to have sex with him – the bar’s kitchen menu.
This, dear friends, is brought on by what is called, in most circles, the drunk munchies. On the hipster scene, it has been referred to as the drunchies. But a man can suffer a savage ass whooping for calling it that in some parts of the country. Here at BroBible, we simply call that intense sensation resonating in that spot where our abs used to be a hindrance to our drunken shenanigans – and it must be stopped.
Fortunately, one of us at headquarters recently sobered up long enough to scour the Internet for the answer to why we always seem to get the booze munchies in the hours leading up to a hangover.
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Come to find out the gnawing hunger pangs that stem from a tried-and-true love affair with the bottle is such a perplexing subject that curious scientists all over the world, perhaps those who have grown tired of eating microwave burritos after every science night down at their local bar, have actually been studying it for the past several years.
In fact, the latest exploration into this phenomenon took researchers from three universities across the country to come to some reasonable conclusion. The results of the study, which were published in the Californian Journal of Health Promotion, shows that the uncontrollable urge to devour fried cheese cubes, French fries, pizza and all that other high calorie grub often served to drunks at neighborhood water holes is caused by a change in blood sugar – something that sort of mimics the onset of a diabetic fit.
“It is believed that after drinking alcohol, the amount of blood glucose in the body can rise and fall which stimulates the brain to feel hungry,” Jessica Kruger, clinical assistant professor of community health and health behavior at University at Buffalo, told Newsweek.
This may help explain why we have absolutely no interest in healthy foods after we’re sloshed.
As the late, great Jim Dunsworth (as Jim Lahey of the Trailer Park Boys) once told me, “The liquor is smarter than the both of us.” This could be the reason the juice steers us away from stuff like salads and other rabbit fare (we weren’t going to eat that crap anyway) and force-feeds us culinary decadence during times of high-powered inebriation.
Science seems to support this concept. Similar studies have uncovered comparable results. So, we’re going with it. The booze munchies are just an obnoxious peril of the drink.
Interestingly, the latest study also reveals something even more mysterious about alcohol’s ability to create a hungry brain. Researchers found that alcohol does not necessarily offer a person any reprieve once the liver quivers start to attack the next day. They found that people instinctively gravitate toward more questionable dietary choices during the sober hours immediately following an intoxication breakdown. Think of it as the body’s way of asserting its resilience, an attempt to feel better through the consumption of all those foods that come with lard ass repercussions.
Although there is no solid evidence that morning after rations like McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches and cold pizza can actually cure a hangover, it does appear the body’s recovery process needs this pseudo nutrition to prepare for the next round in the drunken rodeo. And son, you’re going to need all the help you can get.
So how is a regular drinker supposed to combat the gut busting madness associated with the booze munchies? Some health experts suggest drinking while also consuming a well-balanced meal. But this method has one major draw back – it prevents a man from self-destructing on sauce like a real pro.
They also claim that making healthier food options available is a solid ticket to success. But we’re calling bullshit. From years of experience, this tactic will only put a starving drunkard with carrot breath in his car at 3am searching for convenience store cuisine or a Taco Bell drive-thu.
This is not the most optimal decision for anyone to be making at this time of morning, as it increases the chances of the hungry motorist getting busted for a DUI. And jail food, well, let’s just say it does nothing to curb the munchies. But the drunk tank will indeed sober you up!
Try drinking more water instead of another beer or shot, says dietician Ginger Hultin.
“This will not only save you calories from more alcohol, it will give your hands something to hold if you find yourself reaching for snacks when you know you’re not actually hungry.”
Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.