I typically don’t like to weigh in on politics because I have a weak disposition and change my mind frequently (I’m on my sixth wife). But, I hear there’s a dude who wants to give everyone $15,000 just for being alive, which is dope because paying alimony for five wives is no drop in a bucket.
Every now and then, when I feel an unusual call to civic duty, I will dip my feet in the murky political waters and before long it devolves into a grown man who cuts his own bangs calling me a homosexual.
Today is one of those days when the stench of political bullshit is so putrid, that, much like the man who shames me online from a library computer, I am forced to exclusively breathe through my mouth.
So this journalist’s tweet about a philanthropic Elizabeth Warren is going super viral because everything about it is nauseating. Before I share the reasons for me puking down my chin, I will, like a true unbiased journalist (see dad, your tuition money did pay off!), lay it out for you to digest.
I immediately did a bit of investigative journalism myself. No big deal.
I mean where do we start.
How about with the tweet originator. “Just happened to come across…”
Um.
You think we were born yesterday, Kim?!
Ok, now lets talk about how weak you have to be to buy a SEVEN DOLLAR LEMONADE WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE. And the lemonade stand SUCKS. No glitzy signage. No inflatable man. No ice. No fancy cups. No vodka.
Wait, this just in.
ERRONEOUS. You’re fucking up my preconceived narrative, KIM!
If I can’t rip you for advocation of price-gouging, how about I pivot to the “This is Iowa!” declaration. Are shitty lemonade stands with no marketing plan exclusive to Iowa? Last time I checked, I preyed on Massachusetts’ residents emotions growing and pretended my brother was mute to sell a billion cups of lemonade. How do you think I purchased this samurai sword signed by none other than American Idol’s Randy Jackson?
Ok, that’s all I got, but I cannot say the same for the rest of Twitter, who wasn’t as kind as I.
Politics, man! For the birds!!