The Five Cocktails That Let People Know COVID Has Not Affected You Financially


Whelp, we’re officially in the heart of summer now—a summer unlike any other. Surely, you’re drinking as much, if not more, than ever before. But with the long-term economical effects of the coronavirus still uncertain, it’s important that your drink choice tells everyone “I’m all set.” Behold, five beverages that complete a profile of financial security!

1. Aperol Spritz

Every single year, some deadbeat says these are “back in fashion.” From when, last summer? They never left, cumstain. And they never will—as long as prosecco continues to price itself as the ugly, ginger bastard child of champagne. This drink looks like the pad thai you order on a dare, with the five pepper heat emojis—a shade of orange that will keep you safe throughout hunting season. They come in a large wine glass and that color is enough to make even the grittiest gal in the rugby scrum pause for a pic. As Chrissy D and Yannis might say, cayyuuuuuuuute!

2. Mimosa with FRESH-SQUEEZED orange juice

Have you ever heard someone say “squoze” as the past tense of squeeze? As in, “is your mimosa made with fresh-squoze orange juice?” I’ve heard this, I swear to you. That attempt at conjugation is tattooed in my amygdala like I just arrived at Rikers and needed protection.

Fortunately, most dining establishments know that anyone who speaks in such base fashion does not deserve freshly-SQUEEZED orange juice. Their mimosas will be made with the frozen, canned concentrate saved for brunch tables that maximize their bottomless mimosas by ordering a final round at 11:59—one minute before the cutoff. Keep your eye on the clock, Lindsay! Not a moment to lose!! Still, as pathetic as these troglodytes may be, they’re not losing their e-commerce marketing jobs any time soon. And for that, their drink makes the list.

3. Southside

Gin? Why, surely. Lime juice? That’ll move the chains. Simple syrup? No need to make things complicated. MINT? Snap a sprig from mom’s herb garden and you’re home free. The Southside is a cocktail that lets everyone around you know that things are going to be juuuuuust fine. You’ve got 70% of your trust fund in treasury bonds! It’s a long term strategy!! Lower that mask and breathe in some pesticides from the recently-sprayed fairway.

The rest of your inheritance is in equities but Steve has been managing the family office for three decades and he’s a straight shooter. What’s more, mom and dad are both high-risk. A cough here, a sneeze there, and you might have your hands on their money sooner than a doctor can declare a time of death. Drink up!

4. Dirty martini with blue cheese olives

This drink tastes like a shoey poured from the dirtiest boot in the outback. If you’re hoping to shed some back fat, this clogged toilet backswill can serve as a decent substitute for a meal.

What other drink comes with a garnish that looks like it’s oozing puss? With decent vodka, these puppies will ring you $17 and up. What’s more, it lets everyone at the table know that your taste buds are completely and utterly shot. Thanks COVID!

5. Bon Viv Spiked Seltzer

Hand up, love these. They taste exactly the same as every other Whiteclaw wannabe. Only difference is that they come in flavors that feel like a Gwyneth candle pop-up. Clementine Hibiscus? Pear Elderflower? What is this, a Redwall feast? (If six of you get that, it’s a win). The graphic design of the can makes other spiked seltzers look like shitty like malt liquor, which… they kind of are? Blus, Bon Viv is a different language. Thus, they are healthy and elite. A + B = Rich.