Next week, my kids go back to school for the eleventh time this year. They’ll follow a hybrid model – two days at school and three at home – and, hopefully, this remains the schedule for the rest of the year.
The kids have stopped and started physically going to school so many times in the last 10 months that often forget which grades both kids are in.
My son is in 5th grade and my daughter is in 2nd grade and it took at least thirty seconds to remember those facts and then really double-check to make sure I’m correct.
When anyone asks “what grades are your kids in?” I just say “elementary school” or change the topic to something about the weather. Because I typically don’t check the weather, I make stuff up.
“What grade is your daughter in now?”
“Hey, did you hear it’s going to snow 45 inches tonight and the moon is supposed to fall from the sky?!? At least that’s what I saw online.”
Anyway, here are some other dads who probably suck at remembering simple facts.
If you’re a funny dad – or you follow one on Twitter or Instagram – send me a link on Twitter at @chrisilluminati or shoot it over in an email at email@example.com. If it’s funny enough, I’ll drop it in the next round-up of tweets and memes from dads.
Here are the funniest ones I came across this week.
Someone just asked me if I "know the song Hallelujah from Shrek." FROM SHREK
— Schmrrrrrlex At Home (@alexlumaga) January 14, 2021
When I walk with my boy on my shoulders he always covers my eyes so I can’t see where I’m going, and even by the standards of toddlerdom that’s some pretty kamikaze assholery if you ask me
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 14, 2021
My 4 year old said that he wants to drive an ice cream truck when he grows up. When I told him it's not that lucrative of a career he responded, "No, not for a job. It's so I always have ice cream." I'm grown up. I want to drive an ice cream truck too.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 15, 2021
Me: You kids are on the screens too much.
My kids (at 7 pm, after another ridiculous day): Can we take our rockets outside since they light up?
Me: How about you watch TV?
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) January 13, 2021
Me: *puts on my coat*
6-year-old: Where are you going?
Me: The drive thru.
6: You do love us!
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2021
Child: Can I have help with my homework?
Child: It's Common Core Math.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 14, 2021
Every day I get about 10 teacher emails and it has dawned on me that I have become my kids personal assistant.
The pay is shit, too.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) January 12, 2021
Cleaning out old desktop folders and came across this gem. pic.twitter.com/YYSDNcFO9Q
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) January 14, 2021
Me: "Say you're sorry to your sister."
Me: "Pretend you mean it."
10: "I'm sooooooooo sorry!"
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) January 14, 2021
I feel like the hostess at Chili’s has a better plan for the Friday night rush than my state does for administering the vaccine.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 15, 2021
Testicles was the frailest of all the Greek gods.
— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 8, 2020
My 4yo just taught himself to whistle, and how something so damn annoying can make me feel so damn proud I don’t even know.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 8, 2021
Son #2: Daddy, are you smart?
Me: About some things, yeah.
S2: Then why do you have so many books for Dummies?
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 11, 2021
when i was little i heard someone say "blowjob" on tv and i asked my mom what that is. she looked mortified until my dad swooped in and saved her by saying "she doesn't know"
— tatum (@50FirstTates) January 14, 2021