I tried intermittent fasting and when I say I tried I mean I didn’t eat breakfast one morning and that sucked and I’m not going back to that place.
I also like breakfast. I love breakfast foods. Breakfast foods are so good they’re totally allowed to be eaten for lunch or dinner. No one ever wakes up and eats a dinner.
“So for breakfast we have cereal, I could make bacon and eggs, or crab cakes and brussel sprouts.”
I wasn’t supposed to eat until noon. By 9:30 I was yelling at birds in a hunger range. “You chirp in my yard again and I murder your whole fucking family! And spread the word to your woodpecker friend I’m going to take my time with him!”
I need breakfast. I’m starving when I wake up in the morning. It’s been hours since I fell asleep on the couch eating a bag of chips.
Last night, I ate an entire bowl of edamame but I did go for a late run. It’s better than a bowl of ice cream. No, I don’t mean edamame tastes better than a bowl of vegetables, don’t be stupid.
I haven’t eaten yet this morning. Now you understand why I’m talking like this so please don’t hold it against me. I’m waiting for my crab cakes to heat up.
Here are 25 funny tweets and memes from dads that will fill you up first thing in the morning.
Fridge creator #1: “OK so we call it the Fresh Drawer and it’s to put food into to ‘keep it fresh’ when actually it’s just the place people put stuff and forget about it until it rots. Then they have to buy more food.”
Fridge creator #2: “Jesus. That’s brilliant.”
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) July 30, 2020
Me: What did you do to your sister?!
4-year-old: I gave her a bear hug.
Me: You bit her!
4: I'm a bear.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2020
Just overheard the phrase, "pregnant with a baby," and secretly wondered what the other options were
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) July 27, 2020
Me: Alexa, play the best music.
Alexa: OK, here's DJ Khalid …
Me: … Not like that. Play another one.
Alexa: OK, here's DJ Khalid …
Me: … Another one.
Alexa: I see what you're doing.
— The Dad #BLM Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) July 30, 2020
Maxed out on the Bowflex today. Normally I can only get 2 or 3 shirts on there to dry but today I got 5.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) July 27, 2020
I've been taking an online yoga class for a week now and I feel 18 again. That was the year a bus ran over me in the school parking lot.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 28, 2020
all pizzarias are liars. there is no such thing as extra cheese, only varying degrees of not enough. for shame.
— Dad That Writes ☕ (@dadthatwrites) July 28, 2020
It’s okay to have multiple versions of the same song on a playlist. I’ll take no discussion on this.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 29, 2020
My daughter woke up at 5:45 this morning like me so I taught her about secret breakfast before family breakfast.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 30, 2020
Me as a kid: I want a snowboard, a skateboard, rollerblades, dirt bike, hang glider, half pipe
Me now: I want to sit
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) July 29, 2020
BRYAN ADAMS WAS TEN YEARS OLD DURING THE SUMMER OF 69 AND BOUGHT HIS OWN GUITAR AND HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND A BAND AND ONE OF HIS FRIENDS GOT MARRIED WTF IS GOING ON UP IN CANADA WITH THE CHILDREN CAN WE LOOK INTO IT PLEASE
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 30, 2020