I’ve given up on online dating, and I’m now stalking attractive women in public.
Maybe stalking isn’t the right word.
What’s a good word or phrase for “trying hard to randomly bump into a woman while with my kids just to strike up a conversation”?
I only do this when my kids are around. I’d never do this alone. That’s creepy.
Fine, more creepy.
This plan hasn’t worked yet, and I’m not even sure what will happen if it does work because my kids will be right there.
I’ve never asked for a woman’s number with my children hanging on my ass.
I’m not sure I’ve ever asked for a woman’s number, ever.
Wait, once. She worked the cologne counter at Lord & Taylor, but I didn’t pull the trigger when I was buying the cologne. I went back ten minutes later to ask for her number. I guess stuffing my face with Auntie Anne’s pretzels also filled me with confidence.
“Here, put your number in my phone,” and I go to hand it to her, and the phone flies through my buttery fingers.
That was a peek inside the life of a single dad. You’re welcome.
Welp, here’s some funny shit.
Parenting books don’t teach you that if both the parents are involved every routine will be slower
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 21, 2020
Welcome to your late 30s. You like oatmeal raisin cookies now.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 20, 2020
The greatest betrayal ever is finding a new leftover carton in the refrigerator only to discover it is a salad
— Bart (@bartandsoul) August 20, 2020
I used all my spare time to write a book, y’all! It’s called Your Garden Hose Is Also A Bidet
— ADHDeanBLM (@ADHDeanASL) August 20, 2020
Me: What did you learn at school today?
6-year-old: Lots of stuff.
Me: Like what?
6: I'm not teaching you for free.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2020
Teacher: There are 14 slices of bread in a loaf. What are the odds that your sandwich will have both of the end pieces?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 18, 2020
Me: “If I don’t get away from these kids I’m gonna freak.”
Me, away from the kids: “This place is so quiet it’s freaking me out.”
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) August 17, 2020
One of the hardest parts of teaching your kids to be independent is watching them tie their shoes for 8 minutes.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 20, 2020
So far with school back in session I spend 99% of my time providing tech support and searching for my coffee cup that I misplace 117 times each morning
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) August 21, 2020
My 14yo daughter just quipped “Do you even know me at all!” Completely ignoring that I’ve been invested in her since day one, and I doubt she even knows my last name.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) August 21, 2020
Everything eaten in the dark is thereby calorie free. Everyone knows that
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) August 21, 2020
Cody Rhodes Talks Tattoos, Nicknames + The Most Cringe-Worthy Wrestling Promo Ever