Checking Twitter these days, well, I’ll just suggest limiting your exposure to only a few minutes.
Spending too much time on Twitter will lead to anger, frustration, impotency, overeating, and aggressive bowel movements.
Thankfully, I’ve done all the hard work and found the funniest tweets and memes of the week from dads so you don’t HAVE to go on Twitter.
I know. I’m awesome. Please start a GoFundMe to thank me.
Here are the funniest tweets and memes from dads this week.
8-year-old: All people like pizza.
Me: Some people don't.
8: Then they're not people.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2020
My 6-year-old discovered that you can achieve the perfect body temperature in bed by keeping one leg under the covers and putting one leg out. Figured it out all on his own.
My job as a parent is basically done.
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) August 27, 2020
14yo: Why do dad’s gotta be like that?
Me: Like what?
14yo in her low voice: Oh, look, the neighbor put up a new deck. I wonder how it’s built. Better go to the hardware store and talk about water heaters.
It scares me that her impression is so spot on.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) August 27, 2020
Me: The weatherman said to dress for the 50s.
Boss: I don't think that's what he meant.
Me: [twirls in poodle skirt]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 28, 2020
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: bro, I have kids, I’ve been trying
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 14, 2020
As a parent it’s a very tough decision to choose between a private and public school. I still haven’t made up my mind if I should expose my kids to cocaine or crack
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 26, 2020
Grappling hooks have played a much smaller role in my life than I envisioned as a child.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 25, 2020
I’ve decided to celebrate losing 3 lbs by putting on 5 lbs.
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) August 25, 2020
me: yea we homeschool our kids
them: oh man I could never do that in a million years and never ever will.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 28, 2020
I miss asking what beers are on tap.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 26, 2020