Peloton
WAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAA!!!
You boners remember that from the Budweiser commercial in 2011? Hilarious. I yelled it into the microphone before my best bros wedding speech last year before detailing the flaws of all his exes and complimenting the bride on her cleavage. Spoiler alert: I took home the bridesmaid who looked the saddest. Thank you for your wife being out of town to visit her sick grandmother in HOSPICE right bro? First bump.
Did you explode after the bump dude? Gotta explode.
So I log into Twitter yesterday to see if Emily Ratajkowski responded to my DM (I’m verified and played a semester of college lacrosse so it’s not much of a stretch) only to see a bunch of disgusting slobs who probably think acai is an island off Hawaii taking shots at the Peloton, a device that makes me bangable enough to be on the waiting list of The League.
I’m the dude in the background slugging a flaxseed and sand smoothie. And the girl on the bike, ya I think I remember her name and it’s Out Of Your League Virgin.
Peloton
Full disclosure, haven’t sealed the deal yet but we’ll see if that still stands after I throw on some Chris Daughtry and my high school highlight reel.
But fo rizzle, the same inbreds hating on the Peloton shower before going to Planet Fitness and think Lululemon is a dessert to stuff in their face holes to distract themselves from crying.
But for those of you who are reasonable people who think the devil is synonymous with trans fat and watch Jim Cramer’s Mad Money religiously, let me tell you all the reasons why any self-respecting human should own one in the most visible part of your house.
Since I bought my Peloton this year with the money I raised for my wife’s grandmother’s cancer foundation, I’ve:
- Lost 3 pounds
- Invested in Impossible Burger
- Became a celebrity life coach (in talks with Rick Moranis)
- Leased a Tesla
- Revved up sexual tension with my Peloton trainer. Sure she’s digital, but I guarantee she doesn’t smile like this to everyone in the class.
YouTube
- Shaved my entire body
- Spent little to no time with my family
If that doesn’t sound enticing to you, then I guess you are just weaker and I question how you were the fastest sperm.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m two hours late to picking up my kid from school.
Pelot-ON, bros.
-Brad, Entrepreneur