Listen, I’m not going to be that guy who shames a person for wanting to spend a king’s ransom on a bike that doesn’t even move. If you think a stationary bike with a TV on the handlebars is going to erase the deep, dark void in your pathetic existence or make you forget that your wife is fucking her personal trainer, Tad, that’s your prerogative. I’m not here to judge your awful choices.
I am here solely as an advocate for our national security.
Peloton’s new holiday ad is a problem, and highlights everything wrong with the perceived hollow vanity of western culture. Right now, the ISIS heathens are using this abomination as a recruitment tool.
Lets analyze it frame-by-frame.
This couple’s daughter has been awaiting Santa’s arrival since eating her last bite of turkey, so it only makes sense that the grown woman wakes up to immediately make Christmas morning about herself. I’d cover my eyes in shame too.
Hey Chad, how about throwing a fucking bow on the thing? You spent your daughter’s college fund on a bike you put in your kitchen, couldn’t shell out the extra 99 cents at Walgreens to finish the job? Classic Chad!
“Look mom, Chad gave me a gift that keeps me in the house and under his control while he’s away on business fingering his secretary!”
“Help. Chad dead-bolted all the doors from the outside. This lady having a seizure on the Peloton screen in my only hope.”
“Does this lipstick hide my sadness?”
“Chad hides his gun in the nightstand. I could make it look like a robbery.”
My lady and I have had our fair share of ups-and-downs in the bedroom, but if we ever get to a point where our idea of fun is watching each other ride a bike on vertical iPhone camera mode, hire a TLC camera crew and invite all my loved ones to a weird conference room to sit in a circle and remind me how far I’ve plummeted.
See Chad’s left hand? He’s texting his secretary behind her back. Wouldn’t you?
“Mommy do you think Santa will bring me a present next year?” “Shut up kid, mommy’s Instagramming this shit.”
Chad: “I spent $3,000 on a stationary bike only to learn that I married the wrong woman.”
And I never even got to the most egregious part of the ad:
With all this said, if someone gave me a Peloton bike for Christmas I’d change my name to Blake, spray-tan my entire body, and ride that shit like O.J. down a southern California freeway.